By: Ayodimeji Ameenat
Did you just win the Student Union election? Are you clueless on what to do? Don’t fret; there is a manual. This guide will lead you to become a successful SU executive.
To focus on being a good executive, the first thing you have to do is destroy your manifesto or delete all copies of it. You won’t be needing it. It didn’t help you win the election and it won’t be a yardstick in determining your success. If, during your administration you’re asked about it, say how you appreciate that question and go ahead to tell them how the weather is. Also, mention how you appreciate the support you’re getting. Without it, you won’t have been able to successfully do nothing.
The next thing after tearing your manifesto is to start your book. Write on how your manifesto was unattainable. Be emotional. Blame it on juju. Reference facts that are undisclosable. Don’t forget to mention how hard you and your team tried.
After you’ve torn your manifesto, take courses on how to write beautiful broadcasts and official releases. You will be needing it a lot if you want to sleep peacefully. Is there a problem? Write a BC, put off your phone, then reward yourself with a nap for a problem well-solved. You need the nap to look good in pictures too.
Perfect your smile, you will be needing it for your photo ops. For every event you attend, caption the picture with something beautiful. Being the president with the most-attended events is an achievement. It shows your attention is on the people.
Be a keen observer. Observe all the things going on in your administration. It will cover up for your lack of problem-solving skills. After your tenure, advice your successors. Tell them the problems you faced and hope they solve it. Mention the problems in your book and wish the coming administration a successful tenure. Everyone wants their successor to do better. To ensure this, do the bare minimum.
Be friends with freshmen. Smile with them. Eat with them. They will talk well about you and promote your image. They will also ascribe countless successful projects to your name. They will talk about how you’re the best SU official, how you’re always there, and ready to solve every problem.
Try not to get in trouble with the press; they are bad market. And if you do, get your friends to write statements on how incompetent they are.
Being an SU(G) executive is not easy, but being a godfather is. When you’re done with your tenure and your book, retire and step into your office of godfatherism. You worked for this.
Ayodimeji Ameenat is a law student who loves reading satires.