Hoodlums hijack Palliatives Ultimate Search (PUS) 2020

Machiavelli Miga

The wonderful people in Nigeria have been thrown into disarray and pandemonium seems to have broken out in various parts of the country. Warehouses supposedly housing Covid-19 palliatives are now being broken into and stored palliatives carted away by many citizens. Some call them hoodlums (probably because they’re from the hood). Others see them as miscreants and thugs. There is no denying the fact that these opportunists are risking their lives, damning the consequences in the process and helping themselves to as much palliatives as possible.

But was it supposed to be so?

My sources have it on good authority that the National Orientation Agency in partnership with the Ministry of Youth and Sports had planted palliatives worth billions of naira in different states of the federation including the FCT to fast-track unity, togetherness and above all fitness of Nigerians. Ask yourself, when last did we all run to keep fit, are we still agile? My thoughts exactly!

You may be wondering how this will be possible.

With the help of the Department of Security of State Services (DSSS), the Ministry of Youths and Sports and N.O.A, had placed these palliatives in strategic places around the country that will be opened on the 1st of November.

The plan was to formally inform the public through various media houses that the Palliatives Ultimate Search (2020) has began. Three locations will be given with only one being the right one. The thrill and hunt will all be covered live. Security agents especially those in the Civil Defence Corps were specifically trained for this to avoid stampede. The end goal will be to see how fast the citizens can find the right palliatives warehouse and the size of what they can carry.

Prices were to be awarded to participants in various categories including; pace, guile, tenacity, strength, balance, etc.

However, some unscrupulous elements alongside government agents, not contended with the grand plans for 1st of November when the Palliatives Ultimate Search was to kick off, went ahead to reveal the locations of these warehouses to their cronies who told their cronies resulting in the wanton bastardization of the plans of the government to this end. These cronies told others making a large population of the masses to be aware of the location of the palliatives, leading to the looting of the place, and effectively ending the good plans the government had set aside for the people.

A citizen was caught on tape balancing two 50kg of sewing machine in the Idu area of Abuja on both shoulders whilst still walking majestically with balanced gait. Such an individual could easily have won the 500k price earmarked for the most balanced citizen during the event scheduled for next month. Another was seen in Ilorin balancing a giant GP tank on his head. We all know that it takes one versatile in the laws of physics, especially equilibrium, to perform such a balancing act with minimum fuss.

In Calabar, Blessing Ekpenyong reports that the palliatives were found in the garment factory. Recall the the state governor, Mr. Bend Aya Deh, had shed tears on camera lamenting the hunger in the land. This was all done to bring more highlights to the need for palliatives to be shared and not hoarded. In Lagos, palliatives were found hidden in the Palace of the Oba of Lagos. You might be wondering why such a location, it was all a grand scheme for a greater thrill when the Palliatives Ultimate Search commences. Unfortunately, the Obas staff of Office, shoes, and personal belongings have been converted to palliatives and the gods seem to not to have bat an eyelid at such a desecration of the sacred tool of office of their forefathers. Spits!

Reacting to this, the chief organiser of the scheduled event for next month, Mrs Omo Tola, described the acts of the hoodlums as nefarious, selfish, and generally primitive. Recall she was the one who tweeted that there are no evidence of dead bodies from the Lekki toll gate shooting and everyone was only crying foul play falsely. The tweet was long deleted; rumours have it she was hacked.

In her words to our correspondent, A.J, Uboh, “The the federal government had earlier this year set aside 1st of November for a massive revelation of different locations where palliatives were located so that citizens can get there in haste and help themselves to as much as possible granted they’re carrying it and not dragging anything on the floor to avoid stampede. Security agents have been trained to this regard. It was to be named Palliatives Ultimate Search 2020.”

Asked about reports that some of the allegedly looted palliatives, especially food items, were already getting spoilt, Mrs Tola reacted by saying the expired, decaying or spoilt palliatives were never from the warehouse but from abandoned farms. Stating further to Uboh, she said it’s probably the work of the opposition hell-bent on bringing to nought the good policies of the current administration. The opposition simply infiltrated the masses with spoilt food items to make it seem like it had been stored since April when everything there was stored as early as the 1st of October.

On this note, the Palliatives Ultimate Search 2020 team has been disbanded as the citizens have instead taken the initiative on themselves to risk their lives to forcefully acquire what was to be given to them in an orderly manner. The government regrets this reality, has counted her losses, and prays for a prosperous nation where leaders can continuously hoard food items until such a time when the masses will actually really need it, which is usually just before elections.

Machiavelli Miga is a pun star, budding author , freelance writer, and lover of sarcasm. He can be reached for academic research papers and writing gigs on 09025922941