A satirical commentary on Pondei’s fainting saga by Waliu Adeyeri
Are you a public servant preparing to face a committee or panel over the (mis)management of public funds? Remember the saying, “Poor Preparation Precedes Poor Performance.”
You really need to know that facing a panel can be embarrassing and frustrating. Hence, a holistic preparation is a necessity most especially when you are trying to sweep things under the carpet. This is because reporters and rumour-carriers are on the lookout for your poor presentation which might eventually unveil your ass to the world. Follow me on this short trip as I show you how it’s been done here in this place called Nigeria.
The first stage is the ‘no-traces stage’; at this stage all you need is delete every exhibit such as the account statement and the dummy-funds embezzled by watching them burn along with the apartment. The account statement is made of a highly inflammable paper that would get burnt at the sight of a well planned power fluctuation.
Take precaution for your life only, the account statement and balance sheet can burn to ashes; “when there is life there is hope”. You still have to present the proposal for the reparation of your apartment and curing the injury you sustained, your death would be a loss to the apartment and your pocket. God help you as you nurture the slight wound on your skin.
When this is done, you should not stop there, else you would be suspected. Nigerian reporters, bloggers and video skit producers are great at doing the work of the financial crime investigators. Before you know it, you would be faced with talks and skits unveiling your mess.
The next is facing the panel. You may try to circumvent them by claiming you are in the hospital nurturing the wound you sustained from the fire outbreak. Don’t worry. This is Nigeria, the panel sitting would be rescheduled for your sake.
While you await the date, you have got enough rubies in your confinement. All you need is convert them to visible contract and give them out to the members of the panel. This would help in either concealing the mess or to ease the questioning. My prayer is that the former is your case because Nigerians forget such issues easily.
If the latter is your case, don’t be so rest assured, you didn’t give everyone in the committee the contract. It could be an ‘oversight’ or ‘underestimation’. Be ready for the eventuality!
When the eventuality comes, and aggrieved members of the committee begin to rain questions on you like the showers of blessings you prayed for in your religious house, two things should come to your mind. You can’t afford to soil your name in the mud and if that would happen not only you should be dragged, let others who enjoyed from the cake join you.
What do you do?
Start by pointing fingers at the beneficiaries of the cake among the members of the committee. Leave the rest for them to sort, they would find a way of ending the questioning. With this you are gradually winning for they would sheathe their swords gradually.
Oftentimes, the voice of the aggrieved members might continue to surface like a gourd pressed underneath water. All you need here is the smack down formulae. The questions must be choking you and making you feel dizzy. Give yourself the smack down by “appearing to be fainting”. The reason for your fainting would be justified, don’t worry. That would be the end of the sitting.
By now you have faced the panel, Nigerians will believe you and laugh out their pains while they watch and re-watch your clip, reproduced as skits, in the next few weeks. After that trust me your case will not be revisited. Being a SIN-IOR Public Servant is not a day task. The arts of mismanagement of public funds and concealing your ass in public media are important tools that should never be neglected in your toolkit.
Waliu Adeyeri is a graduate of English from the University of Ilorin, currently serving the nation in Gusau, Zamfara State, and an enthusiastic political satirist. He can be reached through +2348111236196 and firstname.lastname@example.org