… where sa-tyres never go flat

From Our Allies

Dear Police, thank you for being our friend!

Dear Police, thank you for being our friend!

By: Olayide Oluwafunmilayo Soaga

Dear Police, thank you for being our friend!

What is friendship without a cordial relationship and a mutual feeling of love between both parties? Ever since the Nigeria Police Force was established in 1930, they have been the best friends of every Nigerian. Just like an apple a day keeps the doctor away, seeing a police officer sends the fright away.

Our amiable friends dutifully discharge their responsibilities with a smile plastered on their face. They’d be willing to be deployed to Sambisa Forest to combat the Boko Haram insurgency if it was part of their contract because of the undying love they have for us — their friends.

To make our friendship a blissful one, our friends created units amongst themselves. The most famous of this unit is SARS — Special Anti-Robbery Squad. This very efficient unit was created to tackle robbery and have helped to eradicate the crime in Nigeria.

Since robbery is now a thing of the past, they decided to add another task to their list — curbing internet fraud. In an attempt to fight internet fraud, they made every citizen of Nigeria their friends, particularly  millennials. When they see male millennials living their best lives with iPhones, laptops, or adorned with piercings and dreads, they exchange pleasantries and politely ask to search their phones and go through their gallery because they love pictures. In a bid to appreciate them, millennials staged series of protests so that the Federal Government could disband them. However, the government merely upgraded their status.

Our friends deserve to be crowned with an award for the best police force in the world. Even the New York Police department or the Vatican Police do not measure up to them. When there is a robbery in your street and the robbers are equipped with sophisticated ammunition, dial their emergency line and you’ll see them come to the rescue in all their glory minutes after the robbers have successfully carted away the loot and wrecked whatever havoc they have in stock. Their Ferrari-Toyota Hilux van is the fastest in the world.

They graduated with a 5.0 CGPA from the University of Hard Work. They are the true definition of ‘it pays to be hardworking.’ Because of their hard work, drivers hand them cash gifts. Or why do you think drivers hand police officers money if not as a token of appreciation for warding off bandits from the federal highways? They deserve a standing ovation for being the reason Nigerians can travel without the fear of being kidnapped or being attacked while travelling.

When it comes to friendship, our amiable friends are not always sure whose side to choose — our side or the people on the other side; criminals. They collect cash gifts from everyone. It’s really tough for them because they are the real MVPs and they don’t know how to reject offers. The same way they collect cash gifts from you is the same way they collect from others. Since there is no way of telling a criminal on the run apart from a law-abiding citizen, they can not discern who is who. So, when you are attacked  by bandits, don’t blame our friends because they simply do not know. Jesus has already asked for forgiveness on their behalf when he said, ”Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.”

Our friends will never detain a Nigerian citizen unlawfully because they know it will sully the friendship that exists between them. What they rather do is pick their victims (friends) up from wherever they are, cruise with them in their Ferrari-Toyota Hilux while having a conversation about how good the weather is, then later drop them off at their station where they would be until the universe aligns for their victims (friends) and they can go back to their family. They do this not because they are corrupt. Far from it! They do this so they can strengthen our friendship. You don’t even have to worry about bail. It is free just as inscribed on the walls of their stations. All you have to do is to visit them with cash gifts.

The citizens of Nigeria are eternally grateful to you for doing the Lord’s work. Continue to aid and abet crime. I mean continue to be hardworking and diligent police officers of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. We appreciate you for being our friends too. Cheers to many more years of friendship!

Olayide is a student of Political Science who is keenly interested in volunteering. She is an idealist to the core, who is disturbed by the reality of the world. She tweets @NoireMaria1.

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