by: Joseph Peter Akpan
Dear Elewaeji,
Feminism is the new COVID and even your son, Uwem is not immune to it. Take a look at the men today, what do you see? They have grown extra breasts and sprouted vaginas all in the name of accepting “equality”. Can you believe that our cousin – the great Akpan who killed a lion with his fingers when he was 10 and had the girls drooling saliva for a decade–now straps his daughter to his back and haggles over the prize of tilapia at Otor Market. Try talking sense into the idiot and watch him vomit nonsense about his wife being diagnosed with malaria and confined to bed — common ordinary malaria. Even when mama died (because her already failing heart could not process the news of papa’s infidelity), her spirit still stopped by the house to cook, sew, clean our wounds, and even romance her husband. You are a witness to this.
When I stumbled across the line “How will I preserve Uwem in his man form” in your last letter, I could not hide my happiness. It’s quite simple. Turn the boy into a beast.
Hey, don’t look at me like that. Elewaeji, The Universal Law of Masculinism states that anything that comes out from a woman’s vagina remains a woman unless acted upon by an external force. Being gentle is far from it. Now keep this in mind as you strive to preserve his manhood. Make one mistake and watch him become like Akpan.
Below are the steps to be taken as they are handed down from heaven. Amen. Inshallah:
Defeminization Therapy
First things first; start as early as possible to tell Uwem that he has just won the Penis Prize. This means there is a similar box for all men irrespective of size. Exorcize any enormous weight that comes with human weakness. Tell Uwem that “Man” means Numb, Harsh, Violence, War, Robbery, and Theft. Make sure you vaccinate him against the word “Balance”. If not, he will learn to listen to both sides, and trust me when I tell you that a masculinist’s greatest weakness is choosing the woman’s side.
Childhood Danger Signs
If Uwem watches Barbie Cartoon when he is 3, forget it. He will become a transgender at 18. Flog him mercilessly. Give him Achebe’s “The Trouble with Nigeria” to read. Remember how our father threatened to cut off our ears unless we recited Tolstoy and Achebe and Nietzsche when we were only 2 years and 5 months old. At 3, Uwem should know the history of Biafra inside out. If he can’t climb trees at 5, he is gay. Chain him and call your family priest for an exorcism. As the priest performs the exorcism, repeat “You are not gay, Amen”. Remember to rinse your mouth with holy water. If he becomes hot after that, let’s hope it’s pneumonia (and not gay fever).
Responsibilities
Tell Uwem not to assist his mother in the kitchen, even when she is critically sick. Tell him cooking (not eating) causes male asthma. Before you go to work, make sure you sneak out at night to plant new weeds so that he won’t have extra time to do “women’s work”. When you return from work, inspect his fingernails
Professions
Uwem must be aware that there are only four jobs for men: Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer, and Failure. If he decides to become a Failure, then tell him to choose between you and Failure.
Stolen Ribs
Refer your son to the book of Genesis. Let him understand that God did not take permission from Adam before he took his rib. Tell him in our world today, we call that “stealing”. Every potential woman out there is his stolen rib. He who finds a woman finds his stolen rib. When he marries her, he must keep his property under lock and key. He must never marry an intelligent woman who talks about politics, she could plan a coup d’etat right under his nose. All self-made ladies are insulting. Preferably, get a perpetual illiterate housewife with no knowledge of human rights. Tell Uwem that a side chic is not bad because there comes a time in a man’s life when the wife he married cannot stimulate his blood flow.
On Emotions and Failure
Don’t encourage him if he does well in school. Tell him it’s not enough. Compare him with your friend’s son (He must know that you regret having him as your child). Uwem must never ask for help, it is weak and foolish. He must learn to die in silence even when he is sad; even when he is bullied in school. That is how to grow tough skin. Don’t ever hug your son, else he grows used to your warmth. Don’t even pat him on the back. Tell him the day he fails at something is the day you will disown him. It is better he doesn’t try than to try and fail.
On Drinks and Smokes
Don’t believe everything you read in the tabloids. There will be awards given to scientists who discover that nicotine in cigarettes can cause 99% of lung cancers or blah, blah, blah.
Elewaeji, the world is not as our fathers left it. We men are not supposed to be happy. It is not in our place to live the way we want or respect women for the fact that they also are humans. Imagine how satisfied you will be when you finally make a beast out of your son. It means he will be feared (not respected). You will sleep well at night knowing that he is out there devouring anything that stands in his path.
Remember, spare the rod and spoil the child.
Your brother,
Emineimo,
For the Masculinist Association of Nigeria (MAN)
