by: Ojo Oluwaseun

Sweet Street (H)a(r)d-vice for Average Nigerians.

Please note that this missive is for average Nigerians. The reason is that they are the ones in dire need of becoming ballers. However, to know whether you are average in this context, use this formula:

Take the Net Worth of one of the top five on the Forbes list for 2022, then divide it by the number of months you have spent on earth. If you have less than that (answer) in your bank account by the time you are reading this, you’re a mechanic. 

You are an original mechanic, Aje!

That said,

Wouldn’t you ask where did terms “mechanic” and “baller” come from? 

Well, here is the answer:

Baller

While playing football or basketball, you will see people kicking and/or throwing balls among themselves to score a goal. And it is also usually for fun. 

That is the origin of “baller” for you.

Because ballers are like that too. It’s just that instead of the ball, money is what ballers throw and kick around to satisfy their ego. And it is also usually for fun too. 

Mechanic

If you walk on the street of local areas like those in Lagos mainland, you are likely see some people by the road repairing motorcycles, tricycles or bicycles. Their lives are usually in circles, not in a straight line – no progress.

They usually always work. They usually always look dirty. That’s where we get “mechanic” from.

Mechanics, therefore, are those people who always have cause to work every day. From morning till late in the evening. Their work is not easy and they have little time for fun: tick-tock or Instagram. 

Do you now see why no one wants to be a mechanic but a baller? Eh-eehn.

Having laid that beautiful background, let’s dive into the necessary tips you need to become a baller. 

Tip one:

Compare and contrast 

Make celebrities the measuring tool of your life. Compare their lifestyles with yours, especially in finances and social media engagement. When you do that with passion and emotion, without reasoning, you will realize this:

That you too can be them even though you don’t have their skills. After all, everyone has one head. Abi what big difference is there between the monkey’s head and that of a chimpanzee?

Dragon flies. Dragonfly flies. Both are dragons. Both have wings. Then what is the difference? For reasoning sake, what is the difference?!

Tip two:

There is no wrong source of money

It is always the end that justifies the means. As long as you get money and keep throwing it here and there, there is no need to differentiate between the right and bad sources of money. Who cares? Money is money.

Someone like me would understand that it is either you are into crypto-trading or you are a tech bro, and you may even be a secret rich kid. But to them, you are a yahoo. Don’t mind them. They are bad belle.

Naira Marley, may the blessings of the street be upon him, said and I quote: 

“All of us are thieves. It is whoever gets caught that is in trouble.” 

May you never get caught. 

Tip three:

Determination with a deadline

“Emi lokan.” Say it again and again. It is your turn to ball. 

Make affirmation every morning about becoming rich. Listen to songs that talk of money, sing it along aloud like a mor-ney devotion. Talk constantly about going to Maldives and other places where enjoyment flows like a stream. It is a matter of mindset bro. 

Work hard for what you want in all manner no matter what culture or religion says about it. Give yourself a deadline about making it. A goal set without a deadline is like a ship on the ocean without a rudder. If you are close to the deadline and still not make it, go desperate. 

Daju, be cruel; Wu wa Ika, behave like a devil. 

Tip four:

• New ways of life 

You know how you present yourself too matters in this process. You have to adopt a new way of life: the one that attracts those you are trying to be like. Although you have not made it yet, you can still fake it for the time being. There is no law against that.

Your dress is your address. It is through it they know where you reside in the financial community. Put on expensive clothes and show them off. Let Instagram, Twitter and even Facebook help you with that. 

Don’t post your pictures without captions like “fuck haters,” and others like that. Let them know you have arrived although you just set forth and your journey is still uncertain. But that’s how it works. You gerrit?

You see, I only can give you these priceless pieces of advice. It’s left to you what you do it with. One can only take a horse to the river, not force it to drink. Your destiny is in your hand. So when it faces you, shoot at it, when it turns back, shoot at it! When it remains just you, then rethink your decision. 

And don’t forget, a bird carries with it only what it eats. And a pot that will taste a soup will first taste the fire. If this seems an uneasy process to become a baller, then, you will have to continue being a mechanic. 

But trust me, you don’t want to live a mechanical life. 

Oluwaseun Ojo is a student of University of Ilorin, creative nonfiction, and Op-Ed writer. He was longlisted for 2022 Punocracy Prize for Satire. He writes Newsletters at Ojo’s Easeletter. He tweets, though not active, @just_ease_

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