By: Victor Adegbite
Are you a political appointee or an aspiring politician looking forward to occupy a public office in Nigeria? Good you are here. I want to assist you with the necessary skills needed for success and prosperity in your intended profession, regardless of how much funds you swallow.
You need to establish yourself in the knowledge of this starter pack. The principal skill you must possess is drama. As a budding Nigeria politician, you must be zealous in theatrics, melodrama, comedy, and the art of singing and dancing.
First, you must learn to shed tears in your aspiration to be voted into power; buy underprivileged citizens’ sympathy through live telecast. You should learn to have photo ops of you having a great meal of garri, sachet Milo or pap.
Your big vehicles are hindrances, when you want meet with the electorate, as per the road is too smooth, hence, ride ‘okada’. It’s popular among the majority who live in an underdeveloped society, swimming in poverty, misery and want, to better associate with them.
You should also learn to jump on every social issue on social media. Be involved in trendy slogans such as oin, you’re doing well, don’t leave me and so on. You can choose to do giveaways also.
After getting into power, you necessarily don’t need to retain the favor of the people or affirm your campaign promises. In solidarity with the people’s plight, you can threaten to embark on strike actions, even as a sitting governor to show empathy for the striking workers, who are too passionate about payment for their jobs. As part of the stomach infrastructure of feeding the people, you should join them at local cafeterias, bukas, eat at school feeding programs and munch roasted corn in public. Who cares about table manners, no be for Naija?
Of course, since corruption is just common stealing in Nigeria like our past president said, you can always indulge in it. Embezzle public funds, defy sworn oath; in point of fact, sexual harassment isn’t a bad idea. You can always create a hobby around harassing women. You’ll surely get away with it. Ask the people of Kogi state for validation.
To renew your mandate, cross-carpeting is a great choice. Your party can betray you. They can give your mandate to someone else. They don’t want your prosperity and success; they are selfish and they won’t encourage your dream. So, cross-carpeting it is.
Getting caught or prosecuted for embezzlement isn’t common in Nigeria. Just avoid stepping on the toes of godfathers. If caught, you can always count yourself lucky to threaten “hunger strike” during drilling by refusing the official food offered to you and eating only at night. You must necessarily be a good dribbler, employ diversionary tactics at avoiding sacrosanct questions as regards your office and past crimes.
Lastly, an important art to save yourself from trouble as a politician is fainting. If the questions by the committee aren’t favorable or the judgement is passed against you, practice the art of seizure and watch everyone show you love.
With all these skills, you are on your way to having a successful political career.
Victor Adegbite is a law student at the Olabisi Onabanjo University. He tweets at @IamVictorErnest.