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An open letter to whoever hacked Facebook

An open letter to whoever hacked Facebook

By: Ahmad Adedimeji Amobi

Hello World-Most-Revered Hacker,

I have come to force myself to believe that after God, you should be the next person to be worshipped. If truly you hacked Zuckerberg’s services, he himself should make sure he finds you and implore you to manage a very important role at Facebook.

For the brief hours of Zuckerberg’s services blackout, your magic transitioned a lot of things to happen. Hacking Facebook and other services literally means you’ve captured people’s attention to talk about you. I mean, a lot of people ran to Twitter to catch up with life, including Nigerians, with VPNs, whose government has shut them out of Twitter. What else do disciples do about their God? When it’s time for them to worship Him, they put other things in blackout and submit themselves to Him. You could sneak into their privacies and set the condition to accept you as their God before they could access their social networks.

The first group of people you commissioned were the evangelists. Those that rushed to Twitter and started tweeting about what it means to live in a dark world. That do we imagine ourselves fading into the arms of death during those brief hours? You’d be shocked, wouldn’t you? You didn’t know you could pique that kind of thought, right? Yeah, that’s the power of being the next thing to God.

I mean, who doesn’t know Mark controls the world after God? That if he decides to shut down his services today, majority would suffer and feel lonely and become something, if not really, close to dead? But Mark wouldn’t do that, you know. He can’t imagine himself interning in another tech company when he’s out of cash.

But the most unfair thing you did to people, which also affected me, was that they almost lost their lovers.

I was actually chatting with my girlfriend on WhatsApp when the blackout happened and my girl had texted ‘I love you, babe’ expecting me to reply with ‘I love you more, sweet one’. I replied but my message didn’t deliver. And my lover is a little bit brass; she controls our relationship. If she tells (orders) me to do something and I refuse, she would phone call me and start making a list of girls she caught me talking to, girls she caught me hugging and girls she caught me texting but didn’t get angry because she loves me and I am doing anything possible to ruin this relationship despite how much she is investing in it. Until she saw the circular on Twitter by WhatsApp, she told me to write I love you messages to her on WhatsApp and Instagram’ Direct Message and Messenger. Well, I had written epistles on Messenger and WhatsApp before she called me not to worry.

But personally, I have some ideas you might never think of. Are you on Twitter? Do you have a verified account? If yes to my first question and no to my second question, you should consider doing this: go on Twitter and announce to the world that you hacked Facebook. Look, Jack and Mark are quite not on good terms. So don’t worry about Twitter sending you off.

Rather, within an hour or two of liking and retweeting and quote-retweeting, Jack would give you a badge and you would get followed by Twitter Verified. Are you worried Mark would come for you? Never. You are the world’s most revered hacker. Hacking his services means a lot to him. He fears you. The only thing he could try to do is denying you access to his services. And you know what? Hack them all, again.

Yours truly,

Ahmad Adedimeji Amobi.

Ahmad Adedimeji Amobi (@ahmad_adedimeji) is a Nigerian creative writer. He is a reader at Fractured Literary.

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