By: Mazi Chukwu Okwudili
Do you remember that divine call to preach the gospel to the ends of the world? I know you do. But what you do not know is, considering the thousands of ministries and churches in Nigeria, the instruction seemed to have been given to many other Nigerians as well.
You see, being a pastor in Nigeria is lucrative—a high-paying job. The reason is Nigeria is a vast land full of gullible people with no faith. It is where you are told salvation is free but you need to buy anointing oil, holy water, pastor’s stickers, and even pay for your miracles. Yes, you have to pay for all of these because the Nigerian god blesses based on the measure you give.
Nigeria is economically, politically, and morally naked, and in dire need of clothing. This is where you come in to pitch your tent as a pastor and make a fortune. Didn’t your bible tell you that a “labourer deserves his wages”? Good! Now you know better.
Should you choose to become a Nigerian pastor, bring out your writing pad, book, tablet, slate, or whatever you can lay your hands on and write down these tips.
First, you need to understand that the pastoring business is not for the faint-hearted—you must possess a carnivorous tooth because, in this business, agu na eri agu. Brother no know him brother.
You need to be brutal and crafty unless you want to run out of members and if you run out of members, the game is over – you’ll certainly be out of business. I bet you wouldn’t want that for yourself. The goal is to outperform your competitors.
The next thing is to have a sellable name for your church or ministry. Names like ‘Recover My Lost Glory Ministry’ or ‘Devil Go Collect Wotowoto Glorious Church’. See, whatever name you adopt, make it sellable and relatable to the gullible. Trust me, they will buy it. And don’t forget to adopt personal names like prophet, daddy, apostle, bishop, and/or papa. Your proper name shouldn’t be heard from any mouth unless you want to appear common.
After you have settled on a name, start your church or ministry immediately; it does not matter if you have a building. Just begin with what you have, maybe a kiosk, shop, an open field, or even your sitting room. After all, where two or three are gathered, the god of Nigeria is in your midst. So, just start! Nobody cares, not even the government. Trust me, you are getting there. After all, Rome was not built in one day.
Don’t be afraid to open your church or ministry in a particular place simply because others have done so. Squeeze yourself in. It does not matter if you guys total ten, hundred, or even thousands of churches in that place. Just squeeze in. After all, you have your divine commission, and most importantly, there is fair competition in the pastoring trade. It all depends on how well you can brainwash your converts.
Now, you need to learn how to brainwash. You heard that right, ‘brainwash!’ It is a necessary tool in this business. You will use it to talk gullible members into your church or ministry. When you have mastered the art of brainwashing, you don’t need to bother about what to preach. I don’t need to tell you that these gullible people don’t read their bible. So, you can read a portion of the bible and preach anything that massages their ego.
Now, listen, on no account should you preach salvation or repentance. That’s a no-go area. Nobody would want to be told of his sins or wrongdoings. After all, you don’t want to lose your members to your competitors.
Normalise preaching material wealth, motivational talks, and miracles. After all, the god of Nigeria is a perfect, excellent, miracle-working god and the god of abundant wealth who is only ready to enrich the cheerful givers.
Make sure you drum into them the essence of giving to the lord so the lord can, in turn, bless them. Preach things like the widow’s mite, the measure you give is the measure you receive, he who sows in tears will reap in joy, and so on. Make sure you repeat this over and over again. Let them teach it to their children. This is where your fortune comes from, so let it be cemented in their hearts.
Also, remember to use your pulpit to preach against and drag other pastors and their churches.
Learn to normalise organising vigils, home cell, prayer meetings, crusades, concerts, and just whatever event will make your members congregate. It does not matter if they are impacted; your focus should be the offering.
You need to be innovative in your mode of operation to keep your members glued to your church. Shey you have heard of Amapiano? Create things like amaprayer or amaworship, anything that flows with the trend. Your gullible members will buy it. And should a natural epidemic like COVID-19 rear its ugly head, you need to also be creative and adjust to the current situation. As you obey the sit-at-home and other government safety protocols, you need to liaise with network providers to create a code where tithe and offering can be paid. You know, you can’t afford to go hungry.
When you have acquired enough riches, quickly buy a private jet; it does not matter if your members go home hungry. That’s not your business. After all, you are not a charitable organization, government, or even Jesus that fed thousands of people. Don’t lose focus; use the jet to bam bam and to chill with the big boys.
But should you choose to think big – to want to expand your business – you are to venture into school or politics. Open schools and make sure it is too expensive for your poor members to afford. What do your members even know? They will never find out that the schools were built with their tithes and offerings. After all, they are gullible.
If it is politics that looks greener and promising, go into it with your full chest even if the form is ₦100 million; tithes and offerings from your members will foot the bill. After all, they no born them well to disobey your order when you have told them that the Nigerian god revealed to you that you would win the election and save the country. You are not Tunde Bakare; you might make it even beyond the primaries. After all, a pastor professor made it to the position of vice president.
Lest I forget, don’t be afraid to get yourself involved in scandals and abominations. You are human. And trust me, when people like me drag you online or anywhere, your gullible members will put out a defence for your foolishness.
Use these tips to enjoy a prosperous pastoring trade. And if you get confused along the line, feel free to knock at my door.
Mazi Chukwu Okwudili is a poet, writer, political and social analyst, satirist, teacher, and student of life. He can be reached on Twitter/X at @klasique_uncle.
