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A guide to becoming a quintessential Nigerian politician

A guide to becoming a quintessential Nigerian politician

By: Aniebiet Effiong

“Seek ye first the passion for Nigerian Politics, contest for a position (say Governor), do all it takes to win (kill, oppress, rig) and all other things shall be added unto you. Amen.”


To those of you who, out of what people say about Nigerian Politics, feel it is a dirty game, I really feel for you. Honestly, I wish your eyes and those of your fellow sceptics could be open to see what you’re missing. Was Daniel not a leader? A politician, I mean. Was he not a child of God? Was Joseph not a leader? How about David? I mean, you have a lot of lame excuses to make.

How then do people attribute the success of a Nigerian Politician to fraternity? The ideology and concept of most Nigerian Politicians being occultic needs to be eradicated. It needs to be washed away by the blood. It’s so misleading. Those who say a Politician must soil his or her hands before being successful in politics should be searched for, and dealt with (whether true or false). I wonder how people could be talking without proper verification.

Even if you get your hands soiled into whatever, what’s their concern? Will you come out to make a public announcement of what you are? Wouldn’t you coat it up with some religious slogans like “With God All Things Are Possible,” “Only God,” “Amazing Grace,” and then attend church activities every now and then like your tomorrow depends on it.


The process to being a successful Nigerian Politician may be long and tedious, but I tell you the benefits of being one are worth the stress in multiple folds.

— Become a staunch political activist:

This is a good way to begin this journey. Drag corrupt politicians. Preach politics on social media. Make noise everywhere. If people fail to recognize you, make sure they do. When you begin this movement, never support a party with umbrella or broom. This is to exhibit your neutrality. Forbid and forsake politics and politicians because they are all Satan’s incarnate. Politics is not your thing. You are only an activist.

— Accept an appointment:

After gaining popularity, you can begin by being a media aide or a legal adviser to any political party. Or better still, special adviser to the special adviser to the senior special adviser to the deputy governor on political matters. At this point, you’ll have to be supportive of the party and leaders you’re working for. Tear down anyone who talks against your leader. Be it on social media or physically. Ensure to defend your employers with your last blood. If need be, put blames on the past governments. Rain has fallen too much? Jonathan is the problem. Such a corrupt and clueless regime who stole the money meant for the rainmakers. Tueh! You can even distribute the blame till it gets to the sixth government before your tenure.

— Having chosen your object, broom or umbrella, begin making promises you know you will never redeem.

You will build 30 schools in two weeks. You will feed every child three times a day plus supper at night. Poverty shall suffer. With you, Boko Haram shall all vanish. With you, there shall be no abduction of any sort. With you, nepotism and bribery and all other forms of corruption shall die by fire. Amen! Shout change. Preach change.

— Congratulations! You have conquered. Our hero!

Weather you rigged the elections or not, you won. Thank God for all he did.

— Act humble

You can fake your humility by stepping down your car to buy roasted corn. Or by selling groundnut on the street. You can go for a professional tutorial on this from Dino. Sometimes, you just need to act like an average Nigerian. As if you love them. So you can garner more love from them — especially for your next campaign. But just keep looting their future away. They won’t know.

— Security

It is your right to be guarded by men on different colours of uniform and on suits till death. Your family and friends shall benefit from this right, too. Your security is important.

— Education

It depends on the position you’re vying for. If you’re aspiring for presidency, then its needless to think of too much going to school. Your Primary School Leaving Certificate is okay. You’ll have elites as subjects. You can even mock more than two million Nigerians by appointing a Professor as your running mate. As a Senator (of which you must begin by climbing the ladder as a Governor), then you can simply buy your papers abroad.


Of all these, don’t forget to be uttering a few lies on occasion, and having your cabinet filled with liars. It helps. In siphoning contracts and embezzling money. Why were you then a politician? Little lies. Who said in Nigerian Politics you have to sell your soul, your heart and brain to the devil? That’s a blatant lie. Even if it’s so, and so? Isn’t it your life to live? When you finally make it tomorrow, they’ll all raise faces of hope and rejoice for you.

NB. If you are not a boastful type who can always televise every little achievement (be it the groundnut you bought for your neighbour or any petty thing), then politics was never your thing. Withdraw. How can you not be able to preach of how you saved a life on your way to a meeting each time you want to deliver a speech? How you tarred the road that links to your village. What no man could do. Brag. Boast. Because what then will make you a quintessential Nigerian politician? What will you be remembered for?

Asides being Aniebiet Effiong, loving Poetry, Pepsi, Adaugo, Afang soup, and watching Messi, sometimes all I need is a good satire to keep me going. Social media handles: Facebook — Aniebiet Effiong; Twitter — @aniebieteffion8; WhatsApp — 08024032005

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