5 guys you should never fall for as a smart Nigerian university chic

By: Esther Omoye

We all know that the university is the “happening place” for most of us. Many of us see the university as a place of liberation, where we can freely express ourselves, experience love and heartbreak, and align with different values. As a Nigerian Federal University student, however, it’s important to know the types of guys you should avoid.

These may not be the warnings you received from home or in your prayers, and they may only become apparent once you’re on campus. But as a sister to other sisters, I am here, standing hands akimbo, to do well with my duties:

1. The Alajeuns.

There’s a Yoruba proverb that says: Bi won ba peeyan ni onifun rairai, ki onitoun na pa ifun e mo. If they call you a glutton, when you see food, control your appetite.

The Alajeuns are the type of guys that will never control their appetite when they see food. These ones? They want you for food and nothing else. They don’t want anything to do with you except you have a way or means to feed their stomach, and of course, when there’s no food? You’re of no use to them.

They’d follow you around, everywhere in school, and the only thing it comes down to is you being a sort of sous-chef for some boy that doesn’t care about your feelings but only how and when you can satisfy his stomach. I know right?

Is it not just food? Is there anything wrong with giving food to someone you like and care about? My dear sisi ekos, there’s nothing wrong o, ko si wahala kan kan. All I’m saying is that to an Alajeun, you aren’t just being nice and caring to the boy you like. You’re his meal ticket, he is very much aware of whatever games he is playing with you. He is only in contact because you are his food bank, your contact is probably saved as “Priscilla Bukka,” “Ada Food,”  “Zainab Canteen,” or maybe even “Olori Jeun Je Je.”

2.  The Faculty Darlings.

We all know who these ones are na. These are the type of guys that have girls orbiting around them 24/7 in the faculty. The ones the whole faculty revolves around. Their face is the first thing that flashes through your mind whenever you hear Falz singing: sweet boi azociation, na me be oga.

I understand that we can’t always control who we develop feelings for. However, it’s important to recognise that not everyone is worth pursuing. You may think he’s being nice to you, but in reality, he’s likely being nice to multiple other girls as well. He thrives on attention and has no intention of changing his behaviour for you. He’s only interested in casual flings, and that’s not going to change.

It’s best to avoid these types unless you’re just looking for a temporary thrill. However, keep in mind that rumours suggest the excitement is often short-lived and not worth the trouble.

3. The Marriage Cons.

Love is such a beautiful thing, and now think about spending the rest of your life with the love of your life. Probably some cut-out Mawuli-Gavor-meet-Beverly-Naya-Netflix-moment. I can’t imagine the Dopamine rush too.

Sistas, these are the type of guys who will make grand promises of marriage but have no intention of following through. Despite your shared future plans, such as naming your first male child, Ayo, and your daughter, Chidinma, being added to the family group chat, and getting along well with his family, he has no plans of actually marrying you. You may even have a dream wedding gown in mind, your aso ebi train ready to slay like the Princess of Africow, and a wedding theme song picked out — I’d go with an all-time favourite; Timi Dakolo’s Iyawo Mi. Iyawo wa, e da kun, I feel you too.

Remember the whole Mr A got committed to Miss B and said things like he wanted to get married to Miss C soon? Well, it’s with pleasure I introduce to you the pioneers of this movement. I refer to these guys as the “marriage hookers,” marriage is the bait, and you’re what needs to be caught hook, sink and line. Marriage is a beautiful thing but these ones? You’re just being held down with the idea of marriage. You’re the last person they’d even ever think about getting married to. Please, don’t let one broda pull you into a see-me-see-trouble-broda-you-go-marry me-o-since-we-bin-dating-for-many-years-now-you-want-to-leave-me-follow-Shola situationship.

4. The Benchers.

Plus, my guys call me Cristiano,

Mr. Ronaldo. Like Davido would rather say to us.

Yes, I know. This is not a football highlight, but let’s just assume it’s the VC cup, it’s your departmental cup, your faculty cup, and you’re the starting midfielder from SOSA, but there’s another sista from the Medical Sciences who’s playing for the second half, and one other from Physics who’s the highest goal scorer in the league but soon to be topped by the director of sports in your faculty.

Yes, in today’s dating world, there are many new terms and behaviours that have emerged. One of the more recent phenomena is the practice of “benching” someone, particularly in the case of guys benching girls. Essentially, this means keeping someone on the sidelines, not fully committing to them, and yet not completely letting them go either. It’s a confusing and frustrating situation for the person being benched, and it’s important to understand why it happens and how to deal with it.

First and foremost, guys bench girls because they want to keep their options open. They may not be ready for a committed relationship, or they may be interested in pursuing other people at the same time. Benching someone allows them to have the best of both worlds – they can continue to see other people while also keeping you around as a backup option. Additionally, some guys may enjoy the attention and validation they receive from having someone interested in them, even if they don’t reciprocate those feelings.

Move on, sistas! If he’s not ready to define things, don’t play for his team. Be a free agent, play the field. It’s open season!

5. The Netflix and Chill Guys.

Bad girl say she wan Netflix and chill

So I ja ticket give am warning

If you fall in love, clearly certain

You go chop breakfast, I’m not capping

Thank you, Pheelz for preaching the gospel like no one has ever before!

In recent years, the phrase “Netflix and chill” has become a popular catch for a casual hookup or romantic encounter. However, while the idea of spending a cosy night with a guy may seem harmless, there are several reasons why “Netflix and chill” can potentially lead to miscommunication.

Sometimes, both parties may understand the phrase and other times, one could find out the romantic aspect once at the other person’s place. The inconspicuous saying has now become a bait-and-switch situation some guys use to rope in dates. Now, how do we know when he’s talking about an innocent movie date night or hinting at a rendezvous? Who’s to say, but one thing’s for sure: “Netflix and chill” has become slang for inviting someone over to casually hook up.

No, this is not just a tongue-in-cheek excuse I’m trying to use to stop your movie date at Ekene’s place this evening after Syntax class. And yes, Kola in final-year Law just doesn’t want to watch the Royal Hibiscus Hotel on Netflix and think about falling in love with you as Ope and Deji kiss to Johnny Drille’s Romeo and Juliet in the background after an expensive date night at Eko Atlantic that had rose petals falling from the sky, phew! Breathe in, breathe out! He just wants to get laid, and he’d play his game well; he’d be the best gentleman ever. Hell! He’d kiss your feet and want nothing more to do with you after everything.

Instead, I’d encourage you to ask him to make his intentions and desires clear — even if it feels awkward to say something like, “I’m really attracted to you. How do you feel about exploring this relationship sexually?” It might seem scary to broach the topic so straightforwardly, but the benefits ultimately outweigh the risks. You’ll get a clear answer, know where you stand with the other person, and can focus on whatever you’re watching on Netflix with them. While you’re at it, I’d probably place my money on binge-watching the Home Alone series together. It’s an all-time favourite! There are safety belts and the mood is clear as water.

Esther Omoye is a final-year student at the University of Benin. Her works have been previously published in Vanguard Nigeria, Green Black Tales, and My Woven Poetry. She can be found on Twitter @OmoalukheOmoye.