Your VIP pass to the “Becoming a Celebrity” seminar

by: Rukayat Ogunlana

It’s been two weeks now since the “Becoming a Celebrity” Seminar was held on the streets of social media for the woke and happening babes and guys but you know now, I’ve got you with the highlights. Even though you missed the physical glitz and glamour, you can grab the gist through your screen. Let’s get right into it. 

In becoming a celebrity:

1. Struggle with responding to thousands of comments and DMs on social media posts: I know you do not yet have thousands of comments or DMs but practice makes you perfect when you eventually do. So, exaggerate it a little bit and make everybody feel like you are really struggling with responding to people. Let them know you are making the efforts but “oh, it’s so overwhelming” but you “will try to respond to all messages over the next three weeks”. They will know then that na them dey rush you.

2. Never repeat clothes: You want people to tag you as broke and unfit to earn the celebrity title? Then go and be wearing your clothes twice. They’ll drag you like travelling bag.

3. Prepare your mind: You’ll live with the reality of having your face all over the place with people who you’ve never met and places you’ll probably never step foot into; Iya Basirat onidiri head salon, Bonniface barba shop, Atinuke makeofers, Divine mercy foto studeos, for instance will glue your face all over their shops to advertise. Be pleased because even if their envious neighbors eventually tear it off to buy hot puffpuff, you’ll know it’s for a good cause. I mean, look at your face on the paper dripping with puff-puff oil. Greater heights dear. You go far!

4. Post #deletingsoon as often as you can: This is so that people can tremble in their seats while they view your posts, knowing they only have this one chance to view it. You’ll earn some respect, keep them on their toes and even get them to call other people to come and view “fast fast” before you delete. Look at how many birds you’ve killed with just one #deletingsoon. Sodiki that you are. 

5. Don’t respond to comments from non-celebrities: You are not in the same “sawawu/category” and that’s on periodt!

6. Do thick skin surgery: This one is really important because the shege you will see ehn, no matter how “celebrityfied” you are, you will collect and it will pain you. So it’s better to always equip yourself with the bulletproof ahead of time. Bonus tip? Hide from twitter because it’s evil people’s headquarters and one wrong thing you do, ahhh! Sending you hugs in advance. But just know it’s the price you have to pay sha

7. Don’t share your struggles. Nobody cares: What do you think this is? A pity party? People will laugh at you and call you a mere mortal. You are a superstar, a superhero, a celebrity. Never forget. How can you be admitting that you are struggling in life? Are you serious at all?

8. Don’t be private, but be private: You need to know how to spice your life up in the public eye and give people something to talk about but not too much. There’s a special measurement to be used. It’s called “to avoid see finish” but you can only have access to that in the masterclass holding in the future. By all means, avoid people ruining your perfectly soaked garri with brown sand. Avoid it at all cost. Don’t reveal anything. It’s not a baby shower. 

9. Dress to kill:  Very important rule – when you turn up at events; premieres, weddings, birthdays, launches, you can never be caught unfresh. That’s not the kind of risk you want to be taking. How will people know you are the next big thing if you don’t enter the building looking as radiant as Mama Nike’s gele?

10. Never make mistakes: To err is human but you’re not human, you are a flawless celebrity. Let that stick!

11. Sprinkle lies here and there: Like salt, lies can sometimes be the spice of life. Ask Yoruba men, they know best. Don’t add too much because people can detect and they’ll come for your head if you lie too much, but give them sprinkles, they’ll appreciate and worship at your feet. Give them what they want to hear. If you lie too much and they start to drag you, well, you’ll redo your thick skin surgery and register for the “becoming a celebrity” masterclass happening in future to learn further. 

See, it’s not even that hard. Eleven simple tips for beginners. Wish you luck becoming a celebrity! You’ll attend the masterclass next I assure you. That one will have like 562 more tips for you. Byeee!