1. And the god of National Cake, Aseus, spoke all these words chronicled in the Book of Ajanaku, saying: I am Aseus thy god, which have brought thee to the fertile state capital from the wilderness of your faraway village, out of the hut of poverty.
2. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, save for times when thou may use the god of Abaraham as an intercessor to me.
3. Thou shalt not keep in your treasury or spend any ungodly currency or any coins beneath your status as rulers of the tribe of Aireginians.
4. Though shalt not spend except the dollar, the pound, or the euro. And if thou are tempted by the devil to spend the accursed naira, thou must touch only that which is crisp, fragranced, and possesses three naughts in its name, for I Aseus thy god am a jealous god, visiting the iniquity of the rulers upon the ruled unto the third and fourth generation of them that defy me.
5. And shewing mercy unto millions of them that love me, keep my commandments, and line up to eat of the bounties of my cake.
6. Thou shalt be educated according to the scrolls that have been handed to you or those which thou hand to thyselves, and thou shalt strive to have names of faculties across the seas on thy scrolls though thou may have never set foot outside Airegin’s shores. I, Aseus, will not hold him guiltless that confesses his illiteracy or finds contentment only with faculties within the land.
7. Remember the election day to keep it unholy, filled with carnage and delinquency and persecution.
8. On one day, or a few more, shalt thou labour and do all thy work. But the other days are the sabbath of Aseus thy god, blessed and hallowed: In them thou shalt not do any work that may benefit the people, but thou shalt spend them in my worship or across the seas spending out of the bounties I have blessed thee with.
9. Honour thy people and thy servants, but only in your first term or when election is nigh, that thy days in office may be long upon the corridors of power which Aseus thy god giveth thee.
10. Thou may cause to be killed or locked up in my name, to put to sleep thy adversaries and lengthen thy days in office, but thou shalt not boast of thy deed to the hearing of the Aireginians lest thou ruin thy image.
11. Thou shalt commit adultery with whomsoever thou findeth pleasing, and if the Aireginians accuse thee of transgression thou shalt answer that it is nothing but thy business and it is thy wealth not theirs that thou lavish on the irresistible concubines.
12. By every means thou findeth, thou shalt steal. Again I say unto thee, thou shalt steal and embezzle and take from that which belongeth to the people. Thou shalt amass and amass until the wardrobes in thy bedchamber and the soakaways in thy yard have no room for a mouse’s twitchy nose. Thou shalt beg merchants from across the seas to keep thy stolen wealth and bless all lands but thine own with the bounties thou amass. And if thou are confronted, thou shalt answer that thy god hath revealed to thee in thy drunken phase this ageless wisdom that ‘stealing is not corruption’.
13. And remind them of the parable of the goat and the yam which many years ago we revealed to one of thy like in whom we are most proud, Goodluck the son of Jonathan. Verily, we say unto you as we said unto Goodluck that the similitude of the Nigerian politician is the goat which steals into a barn of succulent yam tubers. As it is the nature of the goat to eat regardless of who it was that planted or harvested, so also shall the politician steal that which neither he nor his ancestors had a hand in producing.
14. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour—save where thy neighbour belongs to the opposition camp in which case he deserves not a single shekel of pity and thou may paint him in whatever colour thou find proper. If he is from Airegin, thou may say to give an example that he haileth from the neighbouring town of Nooremac. If he is hale and hearty, thou may spread falsehood among the people that he hath passed on and hath been replaced with a look-alike from the Northern Kingdom of Nadus.
15. Thou shalt covet thy neighbour’s house, his wife, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox, his ass (—four-legged ass, for sodomy is punishable under the law), and anything that is thy neighbour’s. Thou shalt covet thy superior’s position. Thou shalt covet thy inferior’s possessions. Thou shalt covet endless wealth and uncountable mansions. Thou shalt covet an endless life and seek out only the best physicians from across the sea. Thou shalt covet endless power and move from office to office, till the streets are filled with posters of only thine handsome face from when thou were 25 and running for councillor till thou are 95 and returning to the Senate. Thou shalt covet anything and everything, but thou shalt not covet retirement, for it is forbidden and angers thy lord.
16. And the prophet said unto the queuing politicians, “Fear not for Aseus hath not come to bring thee sorrow and destruction but to grant thee coveted titles and everlasting pleasure.”
17. And the salivating politicians stood afar off, and the prophet drew near unto the thick icing of sugar where Aseus was seated in his full glory. And Aseus said unto the prophet, “Thus thou shalt say unto the people of Airegin, ye have seen that I have talked with you…”
18. An altar thou shalt make unto me in the place called Asokoro and shalt sacrifice thereon thy burnt (in other words, brown) envelopes, and thy peace (in other words, white) envelopes, and thy bodies if they possess mountains of sugar and honey, and thy riches. In all places where I record my name I will come unto thee and I will bless thee.
19. Thou shalt not grant the common man of Airegin entrance upon this altar for it is purposed as a safe haven for men of filthy riches. In like manner, wise men of the land may not be permitted to enter upon the sacred altar for their wisdom shall pollute the proud and empty mantras of the place. Any man anymore wiser than an ass, if he must enter, shall hand over his prudence at the gates and retrieve half thereof as he takes his leave.
20. My altar shall make the rich richer, the handsome handsomer, the stupid stupider, the fat fatter, and the sons of lesser-known somebodies somebodies themselves.
21. Thus saith the lord to his anointed, Ajanaku, whose right hand I have holden to bemuse the minds of those before him; and through him I will loose the loins of foolishness and cause them to open their gates to fresh understanding.
Adapted from the Book of Exodus.
[…] a speech, a bill, a letter, a manual, a prophecy, an essay, an advert, or even quasi-scriptural passages. There are also no restrictions on topics. For the second edition, entries are also accepted in the […]