To Love a Nigerian Witch

by: Dhee Sylvester

PREFACE

The secret to loving a Nigerian witch has been closely guarded by the Nigerian Guild of Exorcists since the amalgamation of the country in  1914. As a Nigerian man who has experienced the principalities and powers of Nigerian witches at an intimate level, this study is meant to enlighten those seeking to follow the same suicidal path.

However, to avoid any contextual misconceptions, a Nigerian witch is not, and should never be mistaken, as a Nigerian woman. While the Nigerian woman and the Nigerian witch are both female, a Nigerian witch differs in manner and motive from the average Nigerian woman.

The Nigerian woman is an endangered specie, and the ascent of Nigerian witches has been directly responsible for this decline. But still, to be loved by a Nigerian woman is one of the great pleasures of life, and if you are lucky enough to find one, it’s best you never lose her.

Before we proceed, it’s important to note that the experiences contained in this study are derived from my own personal encounters, along with anecdotes and confessions garnered from years of extensive research and interviews with men who have been victims of Nigerian witches.

SECTION ONE

For a man to love a Nigerian witch it is expected that he suffers from the Woman Wrappa Syndrome. The Woman Wrappa Syndrome is a chronic behavioural disorder which reduces a man to a simpleton obsessed with pandering to women.

The Woman Wrappa Syndrome encompasses the unholy trident of denial, delusion, and desire. This means one of the most essential cognitive pedestals you must attain to love a Nigerian witch requires you to never accept she’s a witch, even when the fact she is persistently pokes you in the eye.

The delusion aspect of the Woman Wrappa Syndrome operates in two folds. The first fold makes you believe your selfless and unconditional love can redeem a Nigerian witch from her diabolic ways, while the second fold demands you hold all the men she’s ever dated accountable for turning her into a witch.

This means you must fully dedicate yourself to her as a way of making amends for the war crimes of her exes. You must be willing to do this even if you have to denounce yourself as a man. When she takes you for granted and cheats on you with every man who winks at her, you must convince yourself that apologising to her is the best way to save your relationship.

The third aspect of the Woman Wrappa Syndrome, which is desire, refers to the mental-set whereby a man’s sexual and emotional expectations makes him idolize his partner beyond reason. Your desires for her would have you constantly reminding yourself that to gain her affection, you must enjoy being the wipe she cleans her butt with.

It doesn’t matter if, two weeks after your relationship becomes official, you find out the man she calls her father is actually her Sugar Daddy, or that she chews the debris she picks out of her nostrils, or that she snores like a hippopotamus on heat. You must interpret your ability to tolerate these inconveniences as a way of proving you deserve to have her in your life.

SECTION TWO

A Nigerian witch can get away with things like not picking her calls or ignoring your messages, especially when she’s around one of her many suitors. You must accept her promiscuity with pride in your heart, and even encourage her to sleep with other men if doing so will make her give you a crumb of her divine attention.

A Nigerian witch always has men she strings along in parallel relationships, and she incentivizes this puppet show with the prospect of sex or marriage. Her decision on whom to marry often depends on which of the men she views as a long-term poverty eradication plan and the ones she considers as merely short-term orgasm donors.

But unlike her, you do not have such privileges, and you must answer her call at all times to avoid being accused of infidelity. A Nigerian witch doesn’t care if you are addressing the United Nations General Assembly or closing a business deal with the world’s richest man. When she gives you a call, she expects you to pick it before she even dials your number.

When she calls to hear your voice because she’s missing you, it’s important that you blush like an uncircumcised mosquito, while also pretending you don’t expect the call to end abruptly. When a Nigerian witch calls you, the call never exceeds three seconds, or at most, three and half seconds. Speaking at length when she calls a man makes her feel too nice, and a Nigerian witch will sooner grow horns than be caught being too nice to a man.

Once the call drops though, you must call her back immediately. As the hopeless romantic that you are, you must resist the temptation to think you are being manipulated when she tells you she ran out of airtime.

You must understand that a Nigerian witch wouldn’t be a witch if she calls you without needing something from you. As a good boyfriend, don’t ask why she only remembers to call you when she doesn’t have airtime; promise her you will send her some airtime instead.

Appreciate her false gratitude when she declares you are the best, by using the opportunity to reemphasize your undying love for her. Keep in mind that when a Nigerian witch says you are the best, what she really means is that you are the best in her rogue gallery of fools.

Do not feel bad about this, because the whole point of being in love is a momentary dance on the podium of foolishness. A Nigerian witch understands this truth, and unlike the horny men who litter her inbox on social media with I-love-you messages, she’s clever enough to exploit the benefits of making these men believe she’s also in love with them.

Sometimes, a Nigerian witch will take on the personality of a Nigerian woman, especially within the first few weeks of your relationship. This is not because she desires to actually become a good partner, but as part of a Ponzi-scheme to ensnare you into catching feelings you will later find difficult to outgrow.

SECTION THREE

Contrary to stereotype, the average Nigerian witch is not a short black female with a temperament closer to the ground than her knees. A Nigerian witch comes in all heights and widths, and her skin tone merely serves as a veneer of distinction.

If she is dark-skinned, then she’s more likely to be found in church on a Sunday morning than at a strip club on a Friday night. This is because dark-skinned Nigerian witches are often more covert than light-skinned Nigerian witches. Regardless, the vast majority of light- skinned Nigerian witches lack basic survival skills, struggle with intelligent conversations, and are as good in bed as Nigerian politicians are honest.

The other sub-group of Nigerian witches who have become the face of the coven, are usually gender egalitarians who believe it’s their destiny to inherit the Iron Throne of the Queen of Sheba. These group of witches are the type who go to fancy restaurants with a wallet full of nothing but entitlement and audacity.

The gender egalitarian Nigerian witch is often the kind of faux intellectual who engages in performatory outrage on social media. Being a gender egalitarian for a Nigerian witch usually stops and starts with whatever her favourite gender egalitarian does or says, which wouldn’t be a totally bad thing, if it didn’t also include whatever her favourite gender egalitarian wouldn’t even dare say or do.

As a man, being in love with a gender egalitarian is like having your penis chopped-off just so you can fellate yourself whenever you are horny. To maintain this abusive relationship, you need an unquantifiable amount of painkillers, sleeping pills, and antidepressants. This kind of relationship is a one-way road trip to hell with the man being both the car and its driver.

A gender egalitarian Nigerian witch would ruin your life with the same energy she uses to denigrate men on social media. If by some phenomenal stroke of luck, you are able to eventually break free from her spell, you should desist from attempting to reason with her, or appeal to her sensibilities, because she will only sum you up as a misogynist seeking to rape her. To a gender egalitarian Nigerian witch, the only thing worse than being a misogynist is being a human born with a penis.

If she has a huge following online or is fairly popular within your social circle, then your reputation is as dead as Abacha’s libido the moment you dare to think you can breakup with her. Prepare to be accused of rape for not replying her Whatsapp messages, or for wanting to experience true love with someone who doesn’t make you feel ashamed for having a penis.

Falsely accusing a man of rape is the go-to weapon for most Nigerian witches, because it allows them play victim, and enables them label anyone who dares to interrogate the merit of their claims as a rape apologist. When a gender egalitarian Nigerian witch says all men are potential rapists, don’t try to be reasonable by asking her if the statement includes her father, uncles, brothers, nephews, and son.

The best thing to do when in a relationship with a gender egalitarian Nigerian witch is to either tender yourself in absolute submission to her will, or you do the more honourable thing by faking your own death. If you choose to fake your own death, it will provide you with sympathetic immunity from her list of men who are either scum or trash.

But as much as the gender egalitarian Nigerian witch is a mode of deviants who have become prevalent since the advent of social media, they are still a minority within the ever growing fraternity of the Nigerian Witchcraft Association. The Nigerian Witchcraft Association is a coven of ebony beauties whose primary aim is to observe when a Nigerian man is happy and doing well, just so they can put an immediate end to the nonsense.

These witches are not always a product of abuse or oppression, but more often than not, are merely narcissists incapable of love. They are usually the type who would refuse dating a man because of the position of the moon on the day he was born, and who would justify their own toxic behaviours using the same reason.

SECTION FOUR

Breaking up with a Nigerian witch is never easy, and you will need twice the amount of courage it takes to date one. A Nigerian witch can’t be heartbroken, because she has her  heart neatly tucked away in a fridge somewhere she can’t remember. If she starts to cry when you tell her you want out of the relationship, do not be deceived by her tears, because you only did what she was planning to do to you.

Most times though, a Nigerian witch would reject your attempt to break up with her. This is not because she genuinely cares about you, but because she’s unwilling to lose the privileges and benefits that comes with dating you, as well as the control she has over your emotions. Even when she earns a six-figure salary and doesn’t need a man to take care of her needs, a Nigerian witch is never fulfilled until she has a man in her life she can torment.

If in the instance she claims to understand why you want out of the relationship after urinating on your laptop and smashing your windscreen, be grateful that she’s at least willing to let you go. However, if in the instance she only lends you a few slaps without destroying anything else, being grateful is not enough. You must throw a party and invite your ancestors to celebrate your newfound freedom.

Never underestimate a Nigerian witch’s propensity for violence and aggression, because they are entitled Prima Donnas who believe the world hangs on their waist-beads. A Nigerian witch won’t hesitate to hit you when she’s angry, but she will call you a monster if you ever try to defend yourself from being assaulted.

If you send a Nigerian witch a romantic message or poem, do not assume she has read it. Even if she has, she will pretend she hasn’t because such gestures don’t impress her. Same applies to dinner dates and flowers. The only romantic gesture you can offer that she will enjoy is when you go bankrupt in your attempt to make her feel good. Anything other than this and you are merely wasting your time.

Finally, a Nigerian witch doesn’t date broke men; she only dates rich men because nothing excites her more than the prospect of marrying a billionaire so she can oppress those she considers beneath her. If you are a billionaire, you must accept the harsh reality that a Nigerian witch will never see you as a man, but rather as an ATM with a burdensome dildo attached.

Dhee Sylvester is a Writer and Visual Artist from Lagos, Nigeria. He’s the author of From Man To God, the co-author of Two Shades of Crazy, and he has been featured in numerous literary anthologies in print and online. He’s a recipient of the Black Pride Award for Oratory, a finalist of the Bridget Poirson Poetry Prize, and was nominated for the 2017 Best of the Net award. He wrote the screenplay for the short-film, Camel Dancing, and has designed over 30 book covers and movie posters. He’s currently the Deputy Editor of Libretto Magazine and a Publication Assistant at Lunaris Review. He can be found on Twitter @nobodhee.