Tips on staying woke and rocking the ASUU strike

By: Alhassan Ndaman Aishah

ASUU has gone on strike and I know that your monthly allowances might be halted and you’ll automatically become the house boy/girl at home. Imagine a whole social media chic, a Slay Queen or Fine Boy on campus being asked to go and buy N100 Maggi. O wrong naw!

So, instead of sitting at home and letting your folks see you finish, here are some things you can do to pass time, to be saved from the hollows of billing anyone for urgent 2k. You know I got you.

First, you need to oppress other students before and after resumption to prove that the strike’s got nothing on you. Also, you do not have to bother yourself with reading. The last strike took months. This one would most likely not be different (can the Federal Government actually pay the sum of N880 Billion Naira to ASUU in one month? You too reason am na). School na side hustle my guy. Go and find money!

Sometimes, the ASUU strike gives us more opportunities and options to better ourselves than the government, so use it wisely. 

If you are a fine girl and there are many boys in your area, open a POS shop. You’ll surely make sales (and more male acquaintances). Since your single ass did not get a Val gift this year, you will probably get one next year.

As a male, you can decide to learn vehicle mechanic work. This has a very big advantage because you can use customers’ cars to impress your girlfriends. Be ready to face the consequences though cos dem go bill your life tire!

There would be no need to do mechanic work if you’re a very fine boy. Just wise up and use your fine boy privilege to exploit those rich women online. Simon Leviev says hi. Meet him for tutorials!

Since tech bros are the new hot cake, find yourself a tech bro that will be spoiling you with surprise packages, gadgets and funds. Get a handsome one please (so you’d be able to freely take “his view, her view” pictures when you go out to places like The Burgundy Restaurant in Abuja and we’d be able to exclaim “God when”).

Now that our Tik-Tokers and YouTubers are home, we are looking toward to their usual amazing contents because we are always bored. I mean change of environment shouldn’t be a problem in your videos as long as securing the bag remains the goal.

Also, if you’re the kind that gets “Oxlaid” for a living, keep it up and make sure your videos leak like Oxlade’s. I mean, that’s great PR for you! More customers!

You know opportunity only comes once, right? So, consider this strike as an opportunity to up your game by interning as a kidnapper with Evans’ godchildren. This is a very lucrative business you should venture into, instead of waiting for several years before getting a degree and a job. Don’t worry about getting caught. It is not a crime here. 

Finally, if none of these things work for you, you can just go ahead and get married to a well made Alhaji and live a luxurious lifestyle. Who cares if he’s ugly with three wives and twelve children? You should only be concerned about the quid and the numerous vacations you would be going every year.

If this still doesn’t work, then it means that your village people are at work and you need to get your head washed!