The Nigerian dream

By: Raheem Gbolahan Hammed

When I was in the States (haters will say it’s Ogun state) in my previous life, of course, everybody’s first dream was that God should bless America. The reverse is the case in the most populous country in Africa. Makes me wonder what exactly is wrong with you people.

I know some of you would want to ask what my dreams were when I was a citizen of the states. Well, to adequately contribute my quota towards the growth and development of my immediate society and the country at large. This was achieved through membership of some non-governmental organizations, political parties with people-centred manifestos, pressure groups, and so on. I felt if we can have a saner clime, everyone would be able to maximize his or her potentials.

Unlike ‘the abroad’, the Nigerian dream is extremely different and sweet.

First, you must build a house of your own. While it is largely normal to rent an apartment all your life over there and live with your family. Here, you are not a Nigerian if you did not buy your land, build house and, oftentimes, face the wahala of omo onile (if your god wants to fuck with you). But if you are a soldier, all you need to do is write ‘military zone, keep off’. You have achieved one of your Nigerian dreams. If you are the type who inherits a house, I am sorry, a larger part of the unwritten Nigerian Dream constitution does not give you a good rating on the house score card. Build your house! Na naija man you be.

If you intend to have one child, I am sorry to announce that you are falling short of the Nigerian dream. Or tell me, who are you planning to emulate in your family? Now, change that orientation, you must have at least three children: Doctor, Engineer and Lawyer. Besides, the advantages of having more than three far outweigh having less. SARS might kill one or two for dressing too fine in Lagos, remember? Kidnappers might abduct and kill one or two if they are in the north. And there’s the killer herdsmen, Boko Haram terrorists, and so on. I hope you get what I’m trying to tell you now? You are a Nigerian! Keep the Nigerian dream.

It is a Nigerian dream to send your children to the abroad for different purposes. But keep in mind that such children must send money back home so that you can boast among your colleagues in church or social events that, ‘Ah, Tunde, that my doctor-son in the UK sent money last week, I need to go and collect it now.’ And please, abroad is abroad. Be it Italy, China, or Lebanon. As long as they are sending money back home, you are doing well with your Nigerian dream.

At this point, I must tell you to add to your Nigerian dream, how to be a politician. In fact. If you can achieve this, you are made for life. You can order the detention of anyone who ‘harasses’ you online, you can steal billions of naira meant for pension and get a bail to pay a few thousand.

You remain untouchable even when bullion vans are brought in to your house on the eve of election. You remain untouchable even with about 64 accounts and outrageous scandals against you. You can be a senator collecting your salaries and allowances while you serve a jail term (and they work on upturning the judgment). You can be seen keeping ill-gotten dollars in your babariga and nothing happens. You can silence a critic in your state and nobody dares question you. You can hold an important position in the Senate even after stealing its mace a few years earlier. Should I go on?

I know you might be tempted to ask where the position of thugs are. Thugs are upcoming politicians. If you want to get to the politician level in Nigeria, you must start off as a thug. If you are well known, and you hold a strong base, rest assured you are a good asset for the next gubernatorial election; you could even own a university abroad. Just keep your head straight and remain focused.

While it is very beautiful to become a Medical Doctor, a Nurse, a Teacher, an Engineer and so on, it should not deter you from achieving the greater goal of being a terrorist (please repent afterwards, you have huge benefits waiting for you), thug (you are certain you could own a university and have great IGR), and finally a politician (you are made for life, your children and great grandchildren too; you could even help the nation years after death and they would name so many places after you).

See you at the top.