The 10% of zero naira

This is a work of fiction, and Pastor Ajayi is a fictional character whose behavior is not to be generalized.

You all know that I’m not a judge, not even a lawyer, but as an ever-garrulous parrot with a follow-come sense of humor, I was invited by Pastor Ajayi and his church members.

They said, “Our able parrot, this matter is mad o. Are you sure you can settle the matter?”

I hit my tiny chest and assured them. Èmi moderator of the year. Since I don’t want  Pastor or his church members to sneeze on me, I wore my grandmother’s Alàri ìró and bùba, I put on leather gloves and oversize Wellington boots, then I killed the dressing with one face shield that looks like car windscreen. While settling pastor’s matter, I won’t let them settle my matter in isolation center. I stood on the stage, microphone in hand, I first said, “Hello, tum tum. Sound check. Sound check.” Then I said Pastor, you may speak.

PASTOR AJAYI: You see, these people are very rude and ungrateful.

ME: Ahn Ahn, Pastor, Why?

PASTOR AJAYI: Calm down, let me talk. Since the beginning of lockdown, these people have refused to send their tithe. The church has not been receiving the alert of their 10%. Even when the church, in its magnanimity, sent bulk SMS to them to remind them, they refused to wire the money. The message even contained the church’s account details o. Still, they refused to send it. Parrot, I am angry. Today, if I hear ‘tun tun’ on the church alert line, the message is from Glo. Parrot, can you now see that these ones cannot make heaven? Also…

ME: Pastor, let them respond to this one first. Church members, your pastor has spoken. It is your time to speak. For each question the pastor asks, I’ll be taking two responses. One from a man, and one from a woman.

A young man raised his hand first.

MAN 1: Pastor, we tried o. But you know that this lockdown period, there was no money. We didn’t intentionally sin against the Lord. It’s just that pastor, we could not send 10% of zero naira.

WOMAN 1: Parrot, can you hear this idiot? Try koor, trial period ni. You are stupid o. Don’t you know that if the pastor should share 10% of his net worth in church, we won’t have to work for the next one month? Pastor is now saying, “Yen yen yen, we sent account number but they did not send money.” Pastor, you like money o. Why are you not doing yahoo sef?

PASTOR AJAYI: Man 1, may the spirit of God never depart from your home, but you have spoken like a man with little faith. In the Bible, a poor widow dropped her last penny, and was rewarded abundantly. If you drop your last penny, you will not starve. Woman 1, I can see that you’re not a member of my church. You’re a Marlian!

ME: Ah!

PASTOR AJAYI: Yes now. If she did not spend the entire lockdown listening to Naira Marley, she will not tell me to do yahoo. Parrot, see me see trouble, am I yahoo boy?

RANDOM CHURCH MEMBER: Ẹ́ rami Ẹ́ gbami, ṣhey mó jọ́mọ́ yahoo?

PASTOR AJAYI: Ah! The spirit of God has departed from here. You see, instead of these ingrates to protest that the government should open place of worship, they were clapping in their houses. Parrot, is that synonymous to Sunday service? This idiot (points at Woman 1) is now telling me to share my net worth. It shall not be well with you o. Don’t you know that men of God are Earth’s ambassadors to Heaven?

ME: She must have forgotten, sir.

WOMAN 2: Parrot, don’t tell us that! I stand with Woman 1. Pastor has private jet; but ordinary tricycle, I’ve not gotten after 12 years in this church. Even Naira Marley did giveaway, but my pastor is here asking for 10% of my poverty.

MAN 2: Did Jesus Christ buy private jet? Did he wear Gucci? You’re there saying that you’re an ambassador.

MAN 3: Ambassador of poverty!

ME: Let the pastor talk o.

PASTOR AJAYI: Let me talk o.

RANDOM CHURCH MEMBER: Pull the idiot down the stage and scar 10% of his body.

Church members started pulling the pastor down the stage, and since I didn’t want them to settle my matter as well, I quickly carried my Wellington boots and ran as fast as my ìró and bùba would allow me. In my entire life, I will not settle church matter again. Me that I still want to vote in Presidential election before I die, and I haven’t reached 10% of my life span.