Tales from Ife: A satire

by: Hurricane Dave

On March 17, 2022, a Professor of Agricultural Economics from the Faculty of Agriculture, Obafemi Awolowo University Ile-Ife, Professor Adebayo Simeon Bamire, was appointed as the new Vice-Chancellor of the university to succeed the incumbent VC, Professor Eyitope Ogunbodede. This appointment has been met with tremendous uproar by indigenes of Ile-Ife, the host town of the university.

It is said that the agitation of the Ife indigenes is as a result of the fact that OAU seemed to have a bias against appointing an Ife indigene as Vice Chancellor. However, indigenes are determined to assert their basic human rights to choose who will sit on the throne of OAU. Many of them have justified this by saying that past VCs have done nothing to improve the state of infrastructure in Ife. Ife is still plagued by epileptic power supply, terrible roads, insecurity and poor economy all-round despite the presence of a world power, OAU on their soil. It is because of this that protest has rocked the whole town for the past few days… The wronged indigenes demand that the wrongs be righted instantly and they are doing so in a #sorosoke manner.

Never has a VC selection process caused this much controversy. For that alone, it is a notable season for  all OAU students. However, a myriad of other events has made this period more memorable. The events are not comical by nature. Their comical nature is an extension of the ability of Nigerians to cruise and find humour in the worst of circumstances. Talking about “suffering and smiling”. I will be bringing to you the bright spots and talking points of this protest that is presently taking the place of Russia-Ukraine in the world news.

The week started out to be a normal one until a procession of protesting indigenes hit the streets, shut down traffic, took over the gates of OAU and left numerous lecturers, students and campus shop owners stranded.

However, it didn’t look like it was going to be anything other than a normal protest until the arrival of a busload of individuals clad in white. Were they coming for an all white party? Probably. At least, that’s what we all thought until we saw that they were actually dressed like Ifa traditionalist. Now, things were getting to be a little more interesting. Maybe they were actors and their location was inside the campus? Could they be shooting a movie on campus? We were all in for the shock of our lives when we realized they were part of the protest. They got off their bus, walked into campus and began chanting incantations. Mehn! Nollywood just came to life in OAU and all the stranded people seemed glad to watch some real life theatre.

Basically, there was no difference between the old Nollywood movies and what was unfolding before our eyes. Well, almost no difference. This particular guys actually showed up with a banner with words on it. Awesome. It’s awesome the way even wizardry and traditional practices are moving with the trend. I Won’t be surprised if herbalists actually teach apprentices via online classes.

While it seemed that we had seen it all, more stuffs began to happen. We saw Yeye Osun taking bike on campus. Very humble woman, she didn’t want to disappear and frighten everybody. She even paid her bike fare. What a woman! Nigeria needs only a few other people like her and our economy will get better. There were also plenty sightings of supernatural events. Statues were seen moving all over campus and looking for people to abduct. Fortunately, no one has been reported missing yet. Ife voodoo is so powerful. Stay safe and remain indoors, guys.

If we thought we had seen enough on the first day, the second day totally blew our minds. We woke up to news that Masquerades had overrun the school premises. Masquerades were seen strolling about campus like students going about their business. We were even more shocked to see that the costume of the Masquerade showed marked differences from the norms. For one, the masquerade was wearing a red nike hose and sneakers. Sweet! A masquerade that is not out of touch with the fashion trends. This “well dressed” masquerade kept on cursing OAU at the gates and even on campus. He/she/they is(are) probably the reason we lost our NUGA game to UI male football team. We move, sha.

After hours of gallivanting around campus, offering sacrifices in front of the senate building and looking for whom to beat, the “well dressed” masquerade came out of the school gate looking crestfallen. Perhaps, this is as a result of his failure to land some lashes of the cane on some well deserving students.

A nagging fear abounds in everyone’s heart even those of the protesters. There’s this particular fighter jet that has been reconnoitering over Ife. We don’t know what it’s mission is but the popular consensus is that the jet is carrying Russian soldiers who are hell bent on invading us. Perhaps, our hunters and vigilantes should consider shooting it down with their insurmountable dane guns before the Russians hatch their plans to invade us.

Basically, it has been a week of illumination for me and the week is just even starting. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds for me… It is on this note that I will stop my tale. 

No! Wait..one more thing. With the songs I heard at the gate today, Grammy had better give awards for musical excellence to an Ife indigene if they don’t want trouble.

Y’all shouldn’t say I didn’t advice you o.

I remain your comrade in dangerous unseriousness…

Hurricane Dave

I am Dave, the son of Iya David. Born to annoy ladies. Anywhere there is trouble, you hear my name on the lips of everyone. I am a Nigerian and I don’t see things as either black or white. Looking at things through my lens is like looking through rainbow coloured spectacles.