Satire 404: Navigating the Twitterverse

By: Adedimeji Quayyim Abdul-Hafeez

You see ehn, in this life, no be everything dey need degree if sense dey. The new sense today, my gee, is the whiz of the social media. Your key to success does not lie in education and pursuing careers that may never pay in the end (how many graduates has education helped?) but on how you brand yourself and stay woke on social media.

There are so many platforms which could flame your existence into the limelight. If you are interested in meeting foreign friends and reading long-ass posts, then you should consider Facebook. For people interested in watching comedy skits and “awning” at celebrity lifestyles, you could make headway on Instagram. Do not even consider LinkedIn. (Why struggle to put an entire “CV” of things you have not achieved only to get depressed by “overachievers”?) You like dog selfies, weird emojis and videos of contemporary dance steps? Snapchat and TikTok help with those. But for the uplift of your hustle and headway in life, you have to tweet your way into success. Don’t you see how those influencers earn? Brethren, your path in life would only be illuminated if you know your way in surviving the murky waters of the bird-app world.

If you want to survive on Twitter’s stormy waves, one of the first things you must do is to increase your followers’ list. Your followers must be in the big hundreds or thousands. Follow people to get ‘followbacks’ and unfollow them afterwards (that’s a Twitter hack, by the way). Your handle should be something like @yourfavouriteplug @naijaqueen @netflixandchill @introvertedextrovert @pweetychickng @brezzislife @dempapirichie @OGforlife.

Post stuff like “I’m new here. Show me around” or “Twitter do your thing” to gain new followers. Share your handle on influencers’ posts. Join ‘follow trains’. Have a crazily-weird crafted bio on your profile. Buy followers if you must. The veracity of your opinions and the credibility of your personality are now measured by the number of followers you have on Twitter.

In the course of uplifting your cyber hustle, you must be a Twitter Influencer (even if you have no content and appear to influence rubbish). The easiest way to achieve this is to create or join trends. Join the tweeps if they are settling #TheMatter. Drag #TifeandSansa. Well, condemn #Hushpuppi. Praise #IndaboskiPahose. Give your wild opinions on #SurvivingPeruzzi. Tweet #EgungunBeCareful. Give comments on #Mbah’sHead. Hail #NairaMarley #LordofLamba.

Tell stupid and unrelated pun-jokes in the #DontLeaveMeChallenge. Feign false support for campaigns like the #JusticeForGeorgeFloyd #BlackLivesMatter #JusticeForRapeVictims. Relate to #Bombooclat and #Scopatumana posts. Drag ‘established’ inflencers. Join conversations you are ignorant or know nothing about. This is to satisfy the quaking appetites of your growing followership. It will keep your notifications and mentions in their widest gleam. All is fair in your race to stardom. That way, you gain visibility and recognition. You would have followers in thousands. Brands would contact you to promote their products. You are on your path to greatness and societal relevance.

In your journey on the bird-app, avoid #IntellectualTwitter, #ProfessionalTwitter and #CareerTwitter like a plague. Tag them the “aspire to perspire” people. Thou shall have no cause to perspire, Amen? These are people who seek to disrupt your hustle by portraying their overbloated achievements. Remnants of the all-mighty professional Linkedln. Avoid them, for their arguments could make your ineptitude glaring. Your savagery skills would come in handy here in fending them off. Let them eat their articles, intellectual opinions and literary pieces. You could steal their opinions and portray them as yours though (Omo, no worries, your followers dey your back). All is fair on Twitter as long as you are popular and an influencer.

In everything you do, Twitter is your hotspot. Everything you see on Twitter is true and realistic. Fake news reside not on the bird app. Form your opinions from tweets. Think the same way tweeps think (constructiveness helps nobody). Twitter is your new search engine. You think about something amazing? Search on Twitter. You just heard something new? Your friends have probably tweeted something about it. Musa has seen everything at the gate.

You are now becoming a reputable Twitter influencer yourself. Money is on its way. But you need to sustain this image. You have to actualize the rich life your followers presume you are living. You have to keep your Twitter image guarded. Don’t allow anybody to pour sand in your garri. Drag anyone who plans to truncate your hustle. Post your sun-kissed pictures. Slide into DMs to build love relationships. It doesn’t matter if you are serious about your statements (believe me, people would be proud to strike conversations and sustain relationships with you).

Comment on pictures of handsome men and beautiful ladies. Conjure false experiences to give tweeps the impression that you are wise and intellectual. Post savage responses to funny tweets. Strike cordial relationships with fellow influencers. Enjoy the perks of your new lifestyle. Form woke. Flex and chill. Enjoy.

A wise man once said, “Never forget say everything in this life na packaging.” Well, I am that wise man. The easiest way to attain street credibility and public recognition is to be active on Twitter. Twitter is the new University we all have to pass through. Opportunities and good networks abound on the app and it’s your responsibility to be part of the big game. This is the new deal and you have to master how to navigate it. Follow my tips to hit it big and up your game on Twitter, Alaye.

Adedimeji Quayyim Abdul-Hafeez is interested in laws, media and communications, journalism and anything that knowledge can be found in. He views the world as a conglomerate of crumbling realities and is enamoured in how satire embodies the hope of our collective humanity. He receives mails on quayyimadedimeji@gmail.com and tweets on the bird app @quayyimbakr