Punocracy Person of the Year Awards [2022]

A lot has happened this year and it is high time we gave credit to whom it is due. Silver or gold, we have not. But digital medals we can afford.

The first time we did a “Person of the Year” awards announcement was 2020. Not so surprisingly, some of the names have made a second appearance — some in the same category, in fact. It is also (not) surprising that all the top three contenders for the Office of the President made it to this year’s list. After all, they are the men of the moment. 

It is important you know that this year’s award has been keenly – and kinly for one – contested, but as they say, the best men have won. Below is the list of awardees in no particular order:

General Sani Abacha — Philanthropist of the Year — For his latest allawee of $20.6 million channelled through the US government. General Sani did not disappoint his beloved Nigeria, as he once more came to the rescue and donated heavily to the cause of keeping the country afloat from the great beyond. The organisers find this awardee’s credentials exceptionally compelling that the decision was reached unanimously! Though the bread was not (supplied) daily, he’s definitely still our father in heaven.

Atiku Abubakar — Diasporan of the Year — For learning how to rebuild Nigeria through his extended stay in the United Arab Emirates while his party squirmed and whined back home. It is important we appreciate individuals like this awardee who will stop at nothing to record great feats. Literally against all odds and against multitudes of his party members’ worries, this awardee continues to spend the better of this year abroad. His love for Dubai is so much that one would think he’s a direct descendant of Maktoum bin Butti himself. (Not) strange, he even publicly retorted that none of his children would japa; he seems to be technically doing all the japa-ing for the family. And yes, rumours once had it that he may have applied to the United States for a Nigerian birth certificate. What a Diasporan!

Muhammad & Aisha Buhari — Consumers of the Year — For being walking examples of the transformative powers of consuming enough slices of the national cake. Mr President has especially shown us how to be a baby boy in old age as he gets fresher even when Nigerians are seeing shege. The consumption pattern (and non-pattern) of the first family even made it to the first national topic recently that it would be a miscarriage of justice for this award to go to anyone else. Mr President once noted that Nigerians should eat what they produce. But since Nigerians have refused to yield to that presidential advice, the first family has decided to eat all that Nigerians produce. In honouring the President’s mother tongue, the organisers of this award considered renaming the award title to “Su mama anchi kudin talkawa ankoshi”, loosely translated to “General Consumers of the Federal Republic” (GCFR) but had to ditch the idea based on some possible linguistic confusion.

Peter Obi — Crosscarpeter of the Year — For his “no time to waste time” style of politicking and how he has rebranded himself as a new blood despite years of being in cahoots with the old bloc. He has shown that you can be an old wine in a new bottle; it doesn’t matter. Mr Obi is so open-minded he does not see party lines. He only sees the pathway to a new Nigeria (where he is, of course, president).

Festus Keyamo — Defender of the Year — Nigeria’s Minister of State for Labour and Employment has done a good job of keeping Nigerian youth productive on the internet via his vitriolic tweets in support of Emilokan. Keyamo defends the indefensible, dignifies the undignified, and explains the unexplainable. No one came close to the Senior Advocate of Nonsense.

Godwin Emefiele — Public Servant of the Year — For his contributions to “improving” the Nigerian economy through “targeted” policies, and also for his contribution to partisan politics and legal jurisprudence in Nigeria through his “well-considered” presidential bid. However, some say it is not really clear if Mr Emefiele is serving the masses or starving them.

Bola Tinubu — Meme Inspiration of the Year — We appreciate the Bahubali Hullabaloo crooner for consistently dropping hit tracks and giving Nigerians reasons to laugh in the middle of untold tribulation. Choosing not to attend presidential debates (out of principle) would not prevent this man from speaking his truth — the way he knows how. From his legendary gesticulations to his Cicero-standard rhetorics, Asiwaju keeps a-maize-ing us with his victuals-inspired art. 

Nyesom Wike — Entertainer of the Year — When it comes to Nigeria’s political scene, Governor Wike has without a doubt, been the best thing since jollof rice and this is not because of his seeming anti-party activities. (He fought enough pro-party battles already, though). The Ikwerre-born showman has delighted the auditory palette of all with the sensational antics of his band, whose timing and praise-singing skills are worthy of the Grammy. 

As e dey sweet us, e dey pain dem

As e dey pain dem, e dey sweet us

See you again next year! And let us know in the comment section if there’s anyone we overlooked