By: Winlade
Someone asked what the color of our problem is in this part of the world. I didn’t answer because there was no need to name the color of our problem. Our National Team wears it to the African Cup of Nations and World Cup and we support them with pride.
Well, if there is any need to name the color for the sake of current affairs, two colors would feature; green and white because we have many green snakes abiding under grass while our saints are clad in immaculate garment designed with a stain of blood or stolen money.
Most times, a saint may have the combination of these two colors. He would use green to camouflage and look like the friend of the masses and steal money meant to save souls from poverty, poor education and untimely death insecurity could bring. Untimely death used to be the weapon of village witches and wizard to eliminate promising souls from the surface of the earth. We have even rained fire and brimstone over them many times in different religious places. It seems what we now have in addition to that is human curse. The curse placed on us by fate for befriending saints who are builders of hell. How they got themselves trained in such craft is still a mystery.
Prior to the time they found a seat in the corridor of power, they understood everything about governance and meeting the needs of people. In fact, they considered the usual fight in the House over who gets what share of the National Cake as demeaning to the entire nation. Therefore, they sold an anti-corruption story to us. We bought it with our sweat. Some did with their blood. But we have not received our change. They said we will receive it. Its fruits will come like a thief in the night. Pending the time, let us enjoy the rice in Kano and the 24h/7 electricity we read about in the news.
Some days ago, I followed with keen attention an interesting reality TV show. What I discovered amused me. I have heard of several shows like boxing in the Hallowed Chamber and exchange of profane utterances. I remember one drama I watched some years ago. A housemate had threatened to impregnate another housemate who happened to be the wife of a national leader. Many thought the housemate by name Diliar didn’t get his calculation right since the wife of the national leader had entered menopause. However, he insisted that his virility had no regard for the laws of nature.
This recent time around, the show held in the Hallowed Chamber with housemates exploring their creative ingenuity to ensure that words do not fall on dry ground. My father used to say, “Words are like egg. If it falls on dry ground, it spills its yoke and loses its secrecy.” The Housemates had decided to sit on a matter that Twitter court could not handle. A discovery was made that the money disbursed to develop the region of Black Gold disappeared into thin air like ghost. When Honorable Apakagod said, “This money is distributed into the account of many of the people around here,” Mr. Chairman quickly hit his gavel to restore order. Apakagod’s mouth was running too much and it could cause a national havoc. The situation was well managed. Courtesy of Mr. Chairman.
The Invited Guest for the day was Emeritus-In-Acting. He came prepared. He knew what was expected of him and played well his part. The world was watching and it was going to be unfair on his part to disappoint his director and the person who wrote the script he was set to act. What was he supposed to do? Come forward, answer questions he would be asked and collapse in the middle of the session if the questions pose risks of him being infected with covid-19.
The fear of covid-19 alone was enough to trigger his action and the reactions that followed.
“How much did you say you spent on covid-19 relief fund?” Mr. Chairman asked.
“3.5 billion naira,” he responded.
“3.5 billion naira or 5 billion naira?” Mr. Chairman interjected. “What you are saying is conflicting with what we have here,” he added to seek clarification.
In an attempt to give clarification, Emeritus-In-Acting remembered the popular song, “This world is not my own,” when his eyes started turning. In a twinkle of an eye, he lost control of himself and the housemates rushed to give him a first aid treatment. They all attended standard schools that did not only expose them to quality academic learning but also the value of selflessness. This was made evident when Mr. Speaker forgot about the existence of covid-19 and social distancing regulation to grab the jaw of Emeritus-In-Acting and started opening it to check the color of his tongue. I guess he wanted to check if it was green, white, or a different color of lie and deceit. He forgot he needed Personal Protective Equipment (PPE). He probably wanted to show an example of how to be selfless to doctors who are always in the news complaining about their vulnerability to covid-19 because of shortage of PPE.
As a result of this emergency, Mr. Chairman declared the show inconclusive and rescheduled it to later date. Meanwhile, it was a great show with quality comedy that draws tears from the eyes of overthinkers. Overthinkers always think comedy shows are not expected from housemates in the Hallowed Chamber. As for me, I have decided to enjoy every bit of my life because You Only Live Once (YOLO). If their deliberation cannot afford me a better experience during sport activity with my partner in the middle of the night, I will enjoy the standard of the comedy it has to offer me and laugh away my pessimism.
I give them credit for being consistent in producing a comedy show higher in standard when compared to the one the duo of Kunle Afolayan and Kemi Adetiba could have produced. I think they should consider these housemates, Emeritus-In-Acting in particular, for a script I will volunteer to write on how to evade haunting questions during a pandemic relief fund probe. I will personally request the inclusion of legends like Diliar, Mentu, Fadele and other outstanding comedians of our country to make the acting superb. These legends have really sold the image of our country to the nooks and crannies of the world, even Nollywood is struggling to reach.
After watching our housemates and how good they acted during the show, I was glad to be part of this country where laughter cures every serious matter. With this kind of Housemates in charge of our Hollowed Chamber, I am convinced that Africa and the world can never be sad because ours is a country of clowns without costumes.
Winlade is a writer whose works are written in Yoruba, French and English. He graduated from Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife in 2019. His poem; Before dusk, which criticises the killing of farmers by Fulani herdsmen was rated among the top 100 poems submitted for Nigerian Students Poetry Prize 2018. He has several other recognitions and publications in international poetry anthologies. He is an ardent lover of beans cooked with special ingenuity. He tweets at @winladei.
