Nigeria’s many good news: A brief commentary

By: Aniebiet Effiong 

My heart leaps for joy each moment I hear of the name Nigeria. The name comes with good news to fill a sad heart with excitement. 

Here, I shall briefly speak on the following topics I deem important.

1. Legalization of cannabis; economy booster.
2. NYSC members to be deployed for war.
3. Change of name from Nigeria to UAR.
4. Twitter deletes Buhari’s tweet; an abomination.
5. FG bans Twitter in Nigeria; the best action.
6. Unknown gunmen still trying Buhari’s Longsuferringness.

Like my friend, Utibeno would say, today is not a speech-making day, so straight to the point:

Gone are the days we had dumb leaders who never had initiatives on what to do in their position. Gone are the days a leader would hardly be innovative towards building a dream nation for its inhabitants. Nigeria now has a new set of leaders transforming it into paradise.

Irrespective of the past and recent events in the country, I vehemently believe that our friends abroad and Nigerians in diaspora are still desiring to be in Nigeria. Some may not be bold enough to say this but I know their minds. They miss a whole lot. The dramas, the tears, thrilling headlines, and many more a government could offer it citizens.

1. Legalization of cannabis; economy booster.

It is a beautiful innovation for a country like Nigeria to think towards this direction, all for the growth of the economy. This is not to say our economy has been kicked out as one of the best in the world; this new idea we’re about to imbibe is to maintain the standard. It is to maintain the position of the second-best economy in the world. 

Countries like Spain, Jamaica, etc. who’ve legalized the sales of weed are not better than Nigeria. If Jamaica could make it through the sales of marijuana, then we too can. We can join them in selling it. Through this, economic growth is sure. I am sure the House of Representatives have deliberated on it. Smart people! I stand with them. We shall see boys smoking on the streets, in churches, clubs, schools, without fear of police. We have no other means to boost this economy than sell weed.

It is only religious extremists who would frown at this wonderful evolution we are set to experience at a time like this. Such are the real enemies of this country. But they will never succeed this time, amen!

2. Youth corps members to be deployed for war.

The DG should be given double promotion for such an extraordinary initiative. My God!

So Nigeria had this kind of idea yet we’ve been allowing these small boys called hoodlums and Boko Haram to thrive in their operations? Who didn’t know corps members were capable of going to Sambisa forest to fight terrorists?

Who even told Nigerians it was the duty of the army to go to the forest to combat Boko Haram? Some Nigerians can’t think well at all. The duty of those army men is to keep sand-filled drums at checkpoints to scrutinize your cars and belongings. Their duty is to safeguard places like toll gates and also to shoot those who dare to trespass.

It is rather the social, civil and divine obligation of the corps members to fight any form of insecurity that may ravage the country. N33k is enough to risk your life as a Nigerian Youth Service Corps member for the security of Nigeria. The three weeks training given to the corps members is enough to prepare them for war. The police can operate from their stations. Please never feel bad when a good idea like this is birthed. It comes for your own good.

3. Change of name from Nigeria to UAR.

The problem of Nigeria (that’s if Nigeria has any problem at all) is not its leaders. It’s the name. This is rare knowledge. It’s both simple and revolutionary. The leaders are good. They have tried their best for this country. Trust me, I’m saying the truth. I’ve seen their hearts. All the problems we have had are because we never had something like ‘United’ in the name of our country. Can’t you see the peace and unity in places like the United states of America, United kingdom, and United Arab Emirates? Its because of the names they bear.

Hallelujah, we’ve found a lasting solution to any form of disharmony. It’s in the name. When the name is changed to UAR, Boko Haram and ethnic rivalry will end, roads will be fixed automatically, we shall have uninterrupted power supply, hardship will vanish, our climate will change for, and even our complexion will change. Behold, the United African Republic!

4. Twitter deletes Buhari’s tweet; an abomination.

I have never seen an insult and abomination as great as this. How dare Twitter delete Nigeria’s number one citizen’s tweet? What’s their concern with the nature of the tweet? Buhari’s tweet is covered with immunity, whether genocidal or not, it doesn’t deserve a delete. You can joke with other Presidents like Donald Trump but never with an Ex-General like our President. Whether he violated the rules of Twitter or not, they should have swallowed it and allowed the tweet remain.

Jack Dorsey and his team have bitten more than they can chew. Buhari should summon him for trying to make a mockery of him. Is it because Buhari doesn’t have a WAEC certificate? Is it because he managed to use his social media platform? No, Jack has many questions to answer.

5. FG bans Twitter in Nigeria; the best action.

Perfect! A welcome development. Which other action would one expect a wise government to take than this? I know many will say it’s an act of dictatorship. Others will say the President is a tyrant. Who cares? Some will even say it’s a violation of the citizen’s constitutional right to freedom of speech and expression. And I ask, is Buhari not bigger than Nigeria’s constitution? Must he obey everything therein? If he does, then why is he the President? Doesn’t he have the right by virtue of his power to rewrite or act in discordance to what is written there?

Nigerians should arise and fight for the dignity of their President.

Moreover, I am glad no one messes with our President and goes free. Jack Dorsey has received his share of punishment. Have you not noticed that his stock has depleted since Buhari banned Nigerians from using Twitter? His followership has reduced drastically. He is no more making his money. In fact, with the way things are going, if Buhari continues with this ban, his money will finish in the next seven days. He’ll be poor. Nonsense boy! At his age in Nigeria, he’s supposed to be a sycophant preparing for the next electoral campaigns.

On this note, owning a Twitter account or its app on your gadget is now a criminal offense. You will be prosecuted for it. Security men shall begin to scrutinize people’s phones to be sure they are not violating the order by Buhari. Please avoid questions like, ‘How about top government officials who are still active on Twitter?’ ‘How about those whose source of livelihood was Twitter?’ etc. Such questions are irrelevant to the government. You are only an ordinary citizen. Besides, what’s the concern of the government with your hunger? Sorry… I meant to say, what have they not done for your survival as a citizen?

I know you may be thinking why bandits, herdsmen, hoodlums, unknown gunmen, kidnappers, and Boko Haram are walking freely while Twitter users are seen as threats to the country’s security and economy. Avoid this kind of thinking, it doesn’t make you rational.

The only medium of making peace in the country is banning Twitter. At least, violence and terror will end. This is so relieving.

6. Unknown gunmen, kidnappers still trying Buhari’s Longsuferringness

How many times have the FG not killed the terrifying Shekau? Wouldn’t it serve as a warning to these boys threatening the security of the country? How many times has the government not paid ransom for those kidnapped, negotiations upon negotiations. Yet they have refused to let Nigerians rest with their nauseating behavior. Okay. Wait until the emerging NYSC warriors are unleashed; maybe by that time they will respect themselves.

Yesterday, a man called a radio station to pour encomiums and sincere praises on the government and its leaders for all they have done since they came into power. I was super excited at such a magnificent gesture of gratitude. A cow does not know the significance of its tail until its cut off. Nigerians may not acknowledge the importance of having Buhari as a President until he leaves. Thank God the use of Twitter has been banned; let me see where you people will use the hashtag #BringBackBuhari.

Asides being Aniebiet Effiong, loving Poetry, Pepsi, Adaugo, Afang soup, and watching Messi, sometimes all I need is a good satire to keep me going. Social media handles: Facebook — Aniebiet Effiong; Twitter — @aniebieteffion8; WhatsApp — 08024032005