‘In addendum to my public theatrical display’

By: Ibrahim Williams

I have finally been revived by the amazing intervention of two Pepsi bottles passed into my body through drip at the Maitama Hospital. And I know it is high time I came forth to comment on all that happened before the investigative committee on the 20th of this month.

Sincerely, the issue at hand — for those of you who don’t know — was not a premeditated television juice put together by myself as well as other concerned personnel to give you all — our beloved countrymen and women — something to cackle, gaggle, and babble about during this pandemic. Nonetheless, I am gladdened with the way you all reacted to this issue, knowing full well that I am not the first person to play this role play in the history of role-playing in Nigeria.

My gladness is especially heightened by the fact that you guys swiftly took to your Twitter handles to pull my name to grace and glory. It is the first time I ever made it to the top ten trends on Twitter NG, a dream I’ve nursed since I was 5. More still, I am happy to have been honored as a cinematographic crooner of a new slumping style. This style, countrymen, was inspired by a leaf that fell from my favorite tree a day before my visitation to the committee.

Now, away from the niceties, I caught wind of some bad belle people who have refused to see me in the right light with regards to the issue on ground. And to them, I direct these paragraphs.

See ehn, the truth of the matter is that you guys do not appreciate the truth — even when she strips herself naked before your eyes. Compared to the Horsca award-winning actors we have, I mean the likes of Mr. Peter De Rock, the one, the solid agbalumo, the roadside ex-governor of Ebiti; Mr. SDM, our popular Glammy award-winning multi-talented ex-senator; Mr. O-lisa May-two, chief thrift collector of the FiDiFi; Rash-id Main-a, the noble rosary-pulling ex-chairman of the Pension Reform team; and other distinguished Actors of the Federation (AOF) — whom do I equal?

Another thing is that if you watched clearly enough, you would have seen from the interrogation style that those men who claim to be patriotic ‘pathfinders’ were nothing more than witches from Idemili who vowed to my great grandmother that one day soon they shall pour sand inside my garri and force-feed me before the eyes of the world. But God no go shame us!

What happened before the committee was a blatant abuse of power against my humble self. If not, why make a big deal out of something little? Why bring a machine gun to settle a civil matter? Over a chicken feed of 641 million, and 536 million naira, only! These monies, for those care to know, were even well appropriated and well disbursed. Only that we lost the receipt of expenditure when rain fell on the farm that was beside the barn in front of the yard behind the road.

Again, you would notice I corrected the questioner over an alleged mismanagement of 1.5 billion naira. Just to reiterate, it is only 1.32 billion naira. And this was set aside to cater for the wear and tear of my team. After all, we deserve to be paid handsomely for doing nothing, at least that’s what the NDDC has been about since its creation — getting paid to do nothing. Should the status quo then change during my reign?

To my great and fantastic fans out there, it will interest you to know that I am fine now. No shaking at all. And for those who requested I leave a note of recommendation when I address the nation. Here’s my little piece of advice:

If you intend to recreate this scene in a similar big stage, please don’t use Pepsi, I have used it. Don’t say, “I’ll need to check and get back to you”. I have said that too. Rather, study the works of previous celebrated Actors of the Federation (AOF), and add new things as I did. This is because Nigerians love new things and they forget them easily.

I wish you all the good luck you wish me as we proceed to the next phase of this briefcase.