By: Mustapha Lawal
Dearest gentle readers,
In case you wake up tomorrow and your street name, local market, bridge, or personal WhatsApp group has been renamed Bola Ahmed Tinubu Avenue, worry not, you’re just living in the fastest-renaming republic on this side of the equator.
Since May 2023, Nigeria has been undergoing a peaceful but determined transformation from a nation of laws to a nation of landmarks. Not laws that fix electricity, roads or make fuel cheaper, but laws that make sure every building, road, and bathroom mirror reflects the name Tinubu.
Minna Airport? Now, Bola Ahmed Tinubu International Airport. Because what’s an arrival hall without presidential validation?
Southern Parkway in Abuja? Upgraded to Bola Ahmed Tinubu Way, because apparently, only one man is allowed to be southbound with progress.
National Assembly Library? Now Senator Bola Ahmed Tinubu Building. So even when lawmakers are reading old speeches they never wrote, they must do so under the permanent gaze of the name that must be praised.
Next up, perhaps: Tinubu Federal Republic of Nigeria. Motto? “Faith, Fatherland, and Facilities Named After Baba.” We are the renamed people of renewed hope, living in a renamed republic, after all.
You see, in Tinubuland, we no longer name things after legacy. We name them during tenure, while the champagne of incumbency still bubbles and the photo-ops are fresh. In some cultures, this is called vanity. In others, visionary branding.
Some folks, silly as they are, asked if the citizens were consulted before these renaming. Very funny people. The same citizens who can’t afford bread want to be consulted about bridge names? Abeg. Let the suffering remain unnamed, but the infrastructure? Oh, that must carry a full title and presidential signature.
The logic is simple. Why build a hundred hospitals when you can rename one in your honour? Why pass landmark bills when you can rename literal landmarks?
This isn’t governance, it’s graffiti, except the spray paint is expensive and comes with a ribbon-cutting ceremony. Forget minimum wage. We are now on minimum reverence.
In fact, I hear rumours that:
- NEPA bills will soon be renamed Bola Ahmed Tinubu Electricity Encouragement Slips.
- Traffic fines in the tamed coastal city will soon be called Asiwaju Mobility Appreciation Levies (AMAL).
- JAMB will soon be replaced by Joint Admissions for Mega Bola (JAMBOLA). Every candidate automatically gets between 70 and 80 extra points on their score, depending on which age they believe Baba is.
Soon, Abuja diplomats will have to carry Google Maps screenshots to navigate the city: “Turn left at Tinubu Way. Then right at the Tinubu Flyover. Pass Tinubu Barracks. If you reach Tinubu Square, you’ve gone too far, unless you’re going to Tinubu Polytechnic.”
It’s not just infrastructure. Soon, citizens, too, might require formal renaming.
Imagine an entire generation of Nigerians called Tinubu Chukwuma, Tinubu Fatima, and Tinubu Oghenetega. Birth certificates will be available directly from the Office of Symbolic National Branding (OSNB), located inside the Bola Ahmed Tinubu Administrative Annex (formerly known as Abuja).
Of course, some “critics”, the usual people who don’t appreciate excellence in ego, have called it “sycophantic,” “tone-deaf,” and “grossly undemocratic.” Imagine! Just because we renamed a road or ten! These people clearly don’t understand that Nigeria is now a brand, and every brand needs consistency. Especially when the roads are not.
One political theorist even compared the phenomenon to leaders like Mugabe or Museveni. But that’s unfair. Mugabe only renamed the currency; we are renaming the soul of the republic.
As we close this edition of the Satirical Gazette for the Renamed Republic, let’s take a moment of silence for the previous owners of these places. Their names, now archived in footnotes and fading signboards, died so that our asphalt could have an identity.
But let no one be dismayed. If you feel left out, don’t worry. In Tinubuland, it’s only a matter of time before your house address, ex-girlfriend, and family goat are all renamed in national gratitude.
Long live the land of the free and the renamed!
Yours in infrastructural adoration,
Mustapha Lawal
Resident of Plot 32B,
Bola Ahmed Tinubu Crescent,
Tinubu District, Tinubuland, W/ Africa.
Mustapha Lawal is a fact-checker by day and a professional eyebrow-raiser by night. He spends time sifting through misinformation so you don’t have to and occasionally writing satire to stay sane. He tweets at @themuslaw.
