By: Mustapha Lawal
In the first chapter of this blueprint for eternal relevance, we established that the road to immortality in the Renamed Republic is not paved with good intentions, working infrastructure, or a functioning economy. No, it is paved with signboards. To name is to live forever. And to rename? Well, that is to resurrect yourself in multiple forms while still breathing.
If you missed Part 1, pause and catch up here: How to be immortal without dying: Satirical gazette for the renamed republic. This sequel is not for the uninformed.
Now, it is important to clarify that not all of these renamings are directly carried out by Baba himself. Of course, Baba himself doesn’t bother with such trivialities as paperwork. That would be too pedestrian. The renaming is mostly done by intelligent, patriotic proteges, men (and women) who should rightly be inducted into the yet-to-be-announced Presidential Naming Rights Commission (PNRC). As their unofficial mouthpiece (a title I accept with great humility and a gold-plated biro), I offer this compendium as both roadmap and tribute.
Drawing inspiration from the Yoruba adage “Ibere ki se oni se, a fi eni ti o ba fi oriti titi de opin”, which translates to: The one who begins a task cannot claim ownership of it; it’s the one who perseveres to the end that is considered the doer. Our dear Baba has only just begun the actual work of his first term. Legacy doesn’t build itself. As such, we present a modest proposal of renaming opportunities, handpicked by us for Baba (at least imagined from the shrine of his possible inner monologue).
Let the record reflect: if history won’t remember you, rename it until it does.
As the unofficial mouthpiece of the soon-to-be-official PNRC, I have taken it upon myself, with my humility in one hand and my well-gold-plated biro in the other, to continue the sacred task of national rebranding in honour of Baba, the Grandfather-General of the Renamed Republic.
It is often said that governance is about roads, security, and economic growth, but that is the thinking of mere mortals. True immortality is not only built with cement and policy; it is also constructed with plaques, marble signs, and rebranded signposts. A monument does not become national until it answers to a name worthy of national awakening, preferably in capital letters.
While Baba remains focused on strategic silence and high-level governance (read: supervising his proteges from a presidential swivel chair), it is up to us, his devoted, intelligent, and naming-conscious loyalists, to ensure that his legacy takes root in stone, steel, and stadium scoreboards. We are not just renaming; we are reminding history who’s boss.
And so, in the remaining two years of Baba’s first term (yes, first), we of the Naming Commission (unfunded, but unshaken) present the following humble recommendations for renaming. May the renaming biro of our dear leader never run out of ink.
Let’s begin. Starting with Educational Legacy (of course).
- UNILAG
Proposed name: Bola Tinubu University of Lagos (BOTULA)
How can I be revered as the man who “built Lagos” if UNILAG, the academic crown jewel of the state, doesn’t reflect my sacrifice? Goodluck Jonathan tried to rename it Moshood Abiola University in 2012, and the students rioted like they were protecting the last jollof rice in the cafeteria. They even forced him to reverse it! But I am not Jona. I do not reverse. I rename with conviction. BOTULA must happen. Let the Vice Chancellor prepare for a rebaptism.
- A brand-new university
Proposed name: Bola Ahmed Tinubu University of Political Studies (BATUPO)
Opposition children keep shouting about “rigging,” yet they can’t even rig a student union election successfully. They need structure. They need BATUPO, an institution dedicated to the fine art of politricks: from grassroots mobilisation to godfatherology. I didn’t just win an election; I engineered a movement. Let my protégés learn, graduate, and go forth to multiply.
Moving on to: Aviation Altitudes: Renaming from Above.
- Murtala Mohammed International Airport (MMIA)
Proposed name: Bola Tinubu International Airport (BOTIA)
Be honest, what is MMIA? Sounds like a General got Missing In Action before signing off on the naming rights. The Lagos airport is Nigeria’s global gateway, and no international flight should land without flying through my legacy. Renovating the place won’t cost more than ₦700 billion, give or take a few inflated contracts. Add Chinese tiles and cold air conditioning, and Nigerians will forget the cost or the history. BOTIA is the new flight plan. History now arrives at Gate T.
- Nnewi International Airport
Proposed name: Bola Tinubu International Airport, Nnewi (BOTIAN)
It’s been 14 years since Ojukwu passed, but the man is still being worshipped like an ancestral algorithm in the southeast. Enough is enough. If they want federal presence, let it come with a new messiah. I’ll build them an airport. A big one. With escalators and a duty-free store that only stocks Lion of Bourdillon cologne. BOTIAN will signal a new era of “united zoning.”
Then: Tollgates and Theatrics.
- Lekki Tollgate
Proposed name: Bola Tinubu EndSARS Memorial Tollgate (BOTESMET)
Now this one is spiritual warfare. Every October 20, disobedient children gather at this symbolic site to remind the nation of things I’d rather be left in the footnotes of history. But what if the tollgate bore my name? What if their hashtags suddenly pointed to me? Would they still come? I doubt it. A tactical naming. A preventive monument. History rewritten with style.
- National Theatre, Iganmu
Proposed name: Bola Ahmed Tinubu National Theatre (BATNAT)
Theatre people can be very funny, both on and off stage. One day, they’re acting plays about resistance; the next, they’re producing documentaries that conveniently forget I was part of the anti-military struggle. A theatre without my name is a national misrepresentation. BATNAT will fix that. Every monologue will now echo my legacy. Every spotlight will anoint my name.
Finally: Of Origin and History.
- Lagos State
Proposed name: Bola State
Let’s stop pretending. Since 1999, I have been the political landlord of Lagos. Every governor has emerged from my divine shortlist, except the one from Epe, who got smart and got served. Even the current one knows not to point too much. For 26 years, I’ve ruled this state with the precision of a master puppeteer. The time has come to drop the pretence. Rebrand it. Bola State. Even the blind can see it’s mine.
- Moshood Abiola National Stadium, Abuja
Proposed name: Bola Tinubu National Stadium (BOTINAS)
MKO may have died in the pursuit of democracy, but I lived long enough to wear the agbada of victory. Haters will say I relocated when the heat rose, but that’s a strategic retreat, not cowardice. One must survive to conquer. If Nigeria won’t give me my flowers, I will rename the entire garden. Let the stadium carry the name of the one who outlived and outplayed the system.
Note: All naming rights are subject to approval by the Presidential Naming Rights Commission (PNRC). Acronyms provided by the Subcommittee on Strategic Abbreviations.
Final Note: Dear patriotic citizens, loyalists, and future appointees, feel free to suggest your own renaming ideas. Baba and our committee must not run out of things to name. History belongs to the one who inscribes it, and we, on behalf of our Baba, are already holding the chisel.
In the Renamed Republic, history is not written; it is renamed. And as long as street signs remain, so too shall our Baba. Let the world point in his direction, literally. One day, you too may earn your initials at an airport. But until then, keep your hustle strategic, your loyalists loud, and your signboards ready. In the Renamed Republic, fame is fleeting, but acronyms last forever.
Mustapha Lawal is a fact-checker by day and a professional eyebrow-raiser by night. He spends time sifting through misinformation so you don’t have to and occasionally writing satire to stay sane. He tweets at @themuslaw.
