For the love of country

By: Moses Ameh

“Blessed are those who do not think for themselves, for they shall be called patriots.”

In his 1983 essay The Trouble With Nigeria, the traitor Chinua Achebe mischievously identified Nigeria’s problem to be, as he put it, “simply and squarely a failure of leadership.” Nothing, I assure you, could be farther from the truth.

In reality, Nigeria’s troubles stem from contaminants like Achebe who have tried, however unsuccessfully, to infect the populace with the virus of common sense. These saboteurs, anarchists and fifth columnists have, like the crafty serpent of old, disguised themselves as activists, critics, and public intellectuals to deceive unsuspecting and faithless idiots into thinking for themselves and, as a consequence, deny them their Edenic existence in the paradise called Nigeria.

True patriots must therefore be wary of these false prophets who contrive falsehoods with the help of neocolonialists and other enemies of our collective progress.

Loyal citizens must particularly be careful when on the internet, which is the new theatre of operation in the wicked campaign against our hard-won unity and sovereignty. Social media, especially the microblogging medium Twitter and other inimical platforms which will be exposed whenever they so much as remove a comma from the Generalissimo’s post, must be avoided at all cost.

Idiots who defy this holy injunction will be made to face the full wrath of the law which is assuredly worse than Hell, as it is a respecter of persons. Full compliance will be rewarded by the grace of the Generalissimo and at the Generalissimo’s own convenience, with a recession sachet, subsidy extraction program, and a full list of terrorism sponsors to be read at a press conference by the Honorable Minister for Lies, Propaganda, and Controversy.

To prevent the misfortune of being named on this Judas list, true patriots must refrain from complaining about or criticizing the government which has been instituted by God the Father (who manifests Himself via Godfathers) and not by the ballot.

As you all know, it was complaints and needless criticisms that nearly cost the Israelites the Promised Land. As such, only faith in and prayer for the government will be permitted. All who have ears, let them heed these warnings, lest they be whisked away by men of the sinister service. True patriots who have completely rejected the heretical doctrine of common sense have nothing to fear if they only obey the commandments listed below.

Suffer Joyfully.

The country is enjoying steady and rapid progress as successive governments are always better than previous ones. Therefore true patriots are to resist the temptation of discontentment, reminding themselves without ceasing that today is better than yesterday; the future can go to hell.

They must also vociferously refute all claims by imperialists that our country is the poverty capital of the world, as these are lies spun to draw the national spirit into depression thereby reversing our progress. Contrary to these silly lies, true patriots must remember that we are the ones who supply the world, out of our abundance, with professionals from every field.

Lastly, it is in the interest of patriots to remember that Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross National Product.

2. Forgive and Forget.

It is easier to follow than to lead, so loyal sheep must learn to condone the excesses of service. You must forgive your representathieves whenever they sleep off during plenary and allow pythons and monkeys and mammoths and mosquitoes and multi-mammate rats to steal our commonwealth.

You must also forget their sins against you during the campaign year and show true forgiveness by selling your franchise. This you must do more than seventy times seven.

3. Respect Your Leaders Unconditionally.

Leaders are public servants and so are to be the recipients of your unconditional respect demonstrated by complete gullibility. You are to jump out of the way when you hear their sirens, honor them with titles whenever they donate your money back to you, and never ask questions.

“But even if I or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than this, let them face the full wrath of Nigerian law which, for all I know, is a respecter of persons.”