Exploits of the legendary John Wike

By: Ibrahim Williams

May this topic be unsurprising. Amen.

In the honorable name of a living legend who since forever has been known as a national hero in our great country, I greet you all.

I want to assume we are all contemporaries. Not in terms of age of course, but in our experience and lives as fellow Nigerians who for some months have now been seated at home watching or streaming or listening to the tales of the tremendous battle our valiant leaders are fighting for us.

This battle, as we all know, has claimed the lives of millions of human beings worldwide, with Nigeria painstakingly contributing an impoverished amount to this quota. Glory be to God for that. Without further ado, we are gathered here today to appreciate the selfless, patriotic, compassionate, and exemplary leadership that our Governor, John Wike, has shown in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic.

I must serve a note of warning that though the name John Wike sounds like to a movie character, it is in fact not. This is because, unlike John Wick, John Wike is only after physical properties, not blood, not revenge, and for that reason it behooves us to learn the proper difference between the pronunciation of Wick and Wike.

That said, it is my pleasure to announce to you that, the nominal title, The Legend which is affixed to our governor’s name is novel, yet, by no means a mistake. It came after a careful deliberation of our governor’s numerous heroic acts for the Eastern branch of The Chartered Institute for Legendary Affairs (CHILA) to ascribe him A Legend — after they found him worthy in learning and character.

This is a man who took it upon himself to relieve his law enforcement agencies of their duty so that he could monitor the compliance of the people of Rivers state to his stay-at-home orders. This is a man who abandoned the coveted pleasure of his home and family to embrace the cold heat of the PH streets just so he could flank down people to say, “Hi, how Corona be for your side?”

Such are his acts of selflessness that he dressed in a piece of shirt and trouser to plead with people to alight from their cars so he could help them auction it. Such is John Wike, the man of the people who could tell that they were tired of the cars in the first place, and needed it confiscated. He is the only man who cares so much about his people. The Baba Yaga, the loving Baba of Rivers state.

Just the other day, John Wike attained another feat. He relieved the crying foundation of a building by wrapping it in the dusty embrace of an executive order, and a crane. A building owned by a tax-paying citizen of the state, but, who cares?

You might hear, unfortunately, the rumored version of this, and that is that the building was for recreation, lodging people, and feeding them for commercial purposes. But that’s all lies. The kind governor would never engage in such abomination as going Abacha on people’s sweat and properties. It was the foundation of a building, and the foundation no longer cries. Besides if Wike did it, it has to be the right thing to do.

As it stands now, the people of the Rivers state are swimming in happiness. There is no fear in the land whatsoever. Everyone is well quarantined in their homes, including those hungry without homes, and without palliatives. This is the man of the people; the man standing by the people; and the man for the people. At this juncture, we shall leave it at this, while we await the booty from the car auctions as well as more legendary exploits from our very own Baba Yaga.

Ciao.