Dear Doubting Thomas, it is true; no one was killed at Lekki tollgate

By: Niyi Williams

Dear Doubting Thomas,

It’s been one year and one month since your last public rebuttal of the fabricated reportage of the 20th of October 2020 shooting at the Lekki toll-gate. And you were right, my dear countryman. No one was killed on that colourful night.

How are you? I heard that you seriously took to spreading the presidential gospels of the lord, your saviour — in Aso Rock — after that incident. How has the ministry been so far? Have you also been enjoying the dividend of democracy that Prophet Bubu and his co-pastors prophesied because we have o. And I know you might not know, so I must tell you that the cities and villages in our country are safer, more than ever, for the old and young.

The reason I’m writing to you after our Twitter disagreement on the 22nd of November 2020 is to acknowledge and congratulate you, belatedly, for your keen insight into all that transpired between the Nigerian youth and the armed men of the force.

Who would have thought that a large population of young (wo)men could unanimously echo that their friends, brothers, lovers, acquaintances were gunned down like the reckless sheep that jumped into a gang battle? I mean who were they trying to fool? Can a large group of youth who did not know each other from Adam be more correct in their narration of an event they experienced — first hand — than our highly respected men of timber, khaki and calibre? No. No. May we never stoop so low.

I want to further appreciate the profoundness of your explanation over the well-circulated eye-witness accounts, pictures, videos, and DJ Switch’s IG stream. Thomas, my guy! You were right all along sha. The eye-witnesses were rubbish, apparently. I mean what sane country takes seriously the statement of youthful survivors who went through the greatest patriotic risk to defend the sanctity of their citizenship? Certainly not our beloved and prospering Nigeria.

Thomas, you wouldn’t believe it, but I recently came to the conclusion that the pictures of the panicky youths, the bullets and the bloodstains on the one hand, and the videos of gunshots, smoke, hysterical prancing and especially DJ Switch’s live stream, on the other hand, were all fake. Just as you smartly pronounced. In fact, to confirm the fakeness of it, I revisited the tons of Twitter bookmarks I had made and applied the new forensic testing tools we developed at the Unifasty of Lagons. Guess what, Thomas, you were right for doubting.

No single soul was killed. Just about 99 confirmed shot-dead bodies, only!

At that point, as the scientist that I am, I subjected the videos, pictures and all to a second round of testing… I think the forensic testing tools we developed at the Unifasty of Lagons may be faulty. Can you imagine?! This machine said you must have now realised the madness of your position after this one year! Sorry. Cancel that. In general, the machine said some rubbish like, “Isn’t it an act of foolishness that you claimed wisdom and judgement over a tragedy of that nature while sitting in the comfort of your room?” It revealed also that your judgement and follow-up anti-EndSARS advocacy only showed the absence of intelligence in your colossal education.

Specifically, nonetheless, the machine revealed that:

1. Lekki Tollgate incident was a massacre.
2. The army shot at protesters on 20-10-202.
3. The police also shot at protesters that night.
4. There was an attempt to cover up and clean up the scene.
5. The governor invited the army to the toll gate.
6. LCC withheld and tampered with useful evidence.

But I don’t believe the machine. I’m sure you doubt it too. After all, who knows whether it’s a ploy developed by the opposition party to discredit the current government? I mean it might just be another innovation by IPOB and Oduduwa Nation to have a basis to split the country.

My dear doubting Thomas, now I salute your ingenuity. I hope you never stop being so smart.

By the way, remember the report of the Army Commander who said that “Soldiers were attacked at Lekki Tollgate but still offered water to protesters”? Please tell him I’m yet to receive mine o.

I expect your response.

Your countryman,
Niyi Williams.