Dear Aunty Aisha, please stand still. Stop confusing the thunder.

By: Chuks .Chinyere(jj)​

Hey big aun​​ty, what’s good? How is the family? How was your flight from London? And how is Yusuf’s head? I know it was a long time since the accident; just trying to make sure our biker mice is in good health. You know these kinds of accident used to cause mental skor skor. If he’s fine, glory be to God.

What’s up? Hope the daughters of Mamman Daura aren’t giving you wahala again. How about the other woman trying to take your place in the other room? Hope our intel on social media was able to stifle the plans of our enemies. Aunty Aisha, you too much o. After you, na you o. See as you fine anyhow. But these days though, you’re looking more like 2face Idibia, without the skodos, what’s up with that?

I logged on Twitter to see your name trending. I was excited that our matron was back at giving the cabal their usual dose of gbas and gbos, only for me to get the shocker of my life. I don’t know what surprised me the most, that you were making references to China or that you were encouraging those small boys in the Senate to take away our social media that has saved your marriage more times than a therapist.

When Peter Obi was making references to China during his debate against your starboy, your people were busy complaining o. Now you want to emulate China to regulate Social Media and kill democracy? What really is your plan?

See eh, na small thing dey make me vex, still I no dey quick vex. I am not fond of writing letters like Baba Iyabo… When your aide carried N2 billion, did I write you so long a letter? Did anybody ask how one of your gum-body maids managed to get their hands on that much money? Did anybody recommend we copy China in the execution of public looters? NO!

When Yusuf went crashing his head while speed-riding an over N200 million worth of automobile, did I write you a letter? Did anyone recommend a made-in-China solution? Ask questions why he wasn’t doing his homework at the time? NO!

So why are you now recommending the Chinese dressing in our Twitter that we are managing na? What side are you on sef? One minute, you’re calling out The Cabals, the next minute you’re endorsing a failure for second term. One minute, you’re forming Mother Theresa, the next minute your show collection is competing with Rihanna’s. Sango and Amadioha said I should tell you to pick a side and stick to it. They don’t like blessing innocent people; they only have business with the wicked. Have some respect and stop confusing the deities.

I am trying to understand why you and the rest of the ruling class like to selectively copy. Maybe to selectively copy is the best and we the masses are too blind to understand this. You copy audio Presidency from Biya, and then copy Presidential vulgarity from Donald Trump. You copy lies and deceit from Boris. Sorry that’s an insult; Boris doesn’t have Lai Mohammed on his team; he’s even still learning how to lie properly. Still in the business of copying, we refuse to copy the economic policies of Singapore, but it’s perfect to plagiarise an entire bill without changing a single word.

Kai, I think I have lost track of the subject of this my letter. See eh, Aunty Aisha, the Nigerian People said I should greet you, they said you are doing very well. No mother of any nation has murdered like you and we are really proud.

As you continue to support the murder of the Nigerian voice, as you continue to give your blessing to those who continue to trample and choke on the neck of the common man, in “tryance” of killing our voice, I just want to tell you that you people will fail. Because boys will build a VPN. Jack loves Nigerian Twitter, he’ll find a way to keep us there, and we will continue to talk about you.

Don’t worry about whether or not we are going to occupy the streets, that’s probably never going to happen, because we no wan die, we wan chop life, papa dey for house, we wan build house; so no matter how hard you and your peers push us to the wall, we will find a way to break the wall and move backwards. Una go push us, pushing go tire una, if una say una stubborn, we go show you say we stubborn pass una.

Aunty Aisha, please continue the good work; don’t relent in getting the latest Birkin and Armani. You deserve it, girl. Just make sure you’re standing very far from your wardrobe when Amadioha and Sango send their gift; it will be a shame to lose all those pricey bags and shoes to the fire of thunder.