Bring Back Our Mondays (#BBOM)!

By: Jonathan Ukor

Gradually, we have lost our sense of days. Today, like yesterday, is another Saturday. We shall eat rice, surf the Internet, talk with a few friends, and sleep like we did in previous Saturdays. The regular Saturday aura isn’t even appropriate anymore to describe our mood these days. We will just continue to live and pay no attention to the calendar on the wall. Oh, the wall! The wall, the gate, and the fences — the goats, chickens and lizards too — they are mockingly terrorising us. Just see how they jeer and do the victory run round about us. The walls, the gate, and the fences with all the free roaming animals are the victors today.

One particular Saturday, we spoke with a friend about “the break point.” That point when our minds have savoured enough Saturdays. Our friend said no such point exists and that we should find a digital platform to lean on. Maybe our friend was right. There are so many activities to engage in. We can condense our spirit, soul, and body into Twitter trends, Instagram Live shows, Tiktok challenges, or Facebook memories. We should alternate activities between Saturdays, until our spirit, soul, and body are consolidated — unbreakable. Today’s victory is ours.

On another Saturday, the Saturday that was supposed to be the day after Sunday, we lost our composure. We stared at the calender, but could only see WhatsApp stickers that taunt our sanity. The message from the ISP read, “Egungun be careful, you have used up 90% of your data bundle.” We became stunned to our marrow and our fingers wiggled due to constant typing. We cried; the ISP’s won today.

It was only a few Saturdays ago we purchased the usual monthly data subscription. What has happened? In a last effort to salvage the current situation, we enrolled for an online course on “How to Make Money from Your Phone.” We will make this money to the shame of the calendar and to the shame of “unlimited data everywhere you go.” If we no make this money, na wetin we gain? Hustling continua, victoria ascerta!

On today’s Saturday, we’ve learnt to make money on our phone — (that is, after we buy the E-book on “How to Make Money from your Phone”) — at an affordable price. We spent the most part of the day viewing pictures on our phone gallery. These pictures made us snivel. Two months ago, we were the primal MCMs with neat beards and well carved hairline; we were the elegant WCWs with enticing cleavage and yummy curves. Now, we are just couch loners with no sense of purpose. The calendar won today.

On today’s protest, we will use the hashtags and rhetoric against the Covidiot geng (awon set olorijatijati). We see them spreading the virus like cheap suya in Kano. We see them in Lagos ignoring social distancing and rallying en masse — one million toys against one million boys. We see them in Abia drinking holy water, but forgetting that cleanliness is next to godliness. They must hear. We shall win.

The only way we can truly win is when our Mondays are Monday-ish. This is the only tie breaker. We miss seeing students adorned in colourful school uniforms. We miss the sight of people arguing near the bus-stop about weekend football matches, as well as the insults and cheers for politicians. We miss the placidity of Lagos BRT buses and the discomfort of the Lagos traffic. We miss our Monday. We will conclude here, because you know what you must do.