Becoming a bus conductor in Nigeria 101

By: Faith Ekekwe

Just in case you wake up and the unemployment rate has you considering options, conducteering is a rather lucrative endeavour. You might be worried about getting harassed by tax collectors (otherwise known as agberos), but this can be managed. I mean, what is small harassment that you can’t endure at maybe 50 different bus stops?

Here are some tips if you are ready for this exciting venture:

A thunderous voice: If you don’t have this important tool, how do you hope to attract people from their homes into your vehicle? Mind you, beyond loud, it must also sound capable. People want to be sure that the people ferrying them to their place of work or the places they need to get to are pros in the game.

A perpetually angry look: Imagine getting to the bus stop and seeing a conductor smiling at you. Ni kini? Kiloshele gan gan? This career path you have chosen doesn’t have smiling as part of its job description. I mean, take a look at the economy. What is funny about it?

Scars: These are your souvenirs from battles lost and won. How are people supposed to be convinced of your fitness for this job role if they can’t easily see proof of your former Viking career?

Ability to get angry: To go along with the no-smiling policy is the ability to get angry. Get angry for no reason. Raise that thunderous voice at a passenger who is refusing to adjust. Get angry at the passenger who is asking to pay ₦500 from Iyana Ipaja to Yaba. Snap at the nagging passengers and even the smiling ones. Again, what exactly is funny about this economy?

Red murderous eyes: Ever looked at someone’s eyes and just shivered? That’s what I am talking about. This can easily be induced with a quick bottle of Chelsea gin.

Hold out giving change: Where does it happen that you give out money to a conductor and you get your change immediately? Kindly note that you must hold on to a passenger’s change and only let go of it when they won’t stop pestering you or they are very close to their stop.

Mad argumentative skills: This is particularly useful when negotiating, a vital survival skill everyone should possess. With it, you can exhaust passengers. You definitely don’t want to be the one who gives up in an argument.

Looking forward to hearing how helpful these tips are. Do not forget to give some feedback.
With love and hope that you thrive at this job.

Faith Amarachi Ekekwe is a freelance writer who is obsessed with African literature. She is currently vlogging about places she has visited and is also thinking of a way to be a proper “Oriaku.” You can follow her on Instagram @faith_ekekwe and on Twitter @EkekweFaith.