A compact list on how to be a Covidiot

By: Ibrahim Williams

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You probably have heard of the newest cool thing in town — Covidiotism. Yeah, I’m sure you know the meaning of this happy word, and if you don’t…

To be a Covidiot in this Corona-maniac period is a smart and enviable thing to be. Trust me; it is what the who-is-who in the country are aiming for, so why don’t you beat them to the game?

Before I tell you how, it might interest you to know that there are a million perks to being a Covidiot — especially in Nigeria. Chiefly, you would be ranked and mentioned alongside such illustrious men as: The three-time Granny Award Winner, Zlatan Ibile; President of the Oyo rally troupe, Oloye Seyi Makinde; the Professor from UITH (Ilorin); the Young Emir of the elite, HRE Garba Adamu II; the King with a dented crown, HRH Dr. Yahaya Bello; the Amazing Professor Pastor Chris; the Anointed Apostle Suleman; Professor Femi Fani-Kayode; among many others.

If you step up the game of Covidiotism, who knows you might end up as a top trend on Twitter NG for days. You see what I’m saying? Cool, huh?

Now, to be a Covidiot you will need to do one of the following:

One: Denounce the reality of the coronavirus.

Two: Make videos of yourself spewing beautiful nonsense about the pandemic.

Three: Break the lockdown protocol and, if possible, move your mattress to the main road and lie on it — like the legendary Zlatan Ibile.

Four: Be a ‘man of God’ and make a public announcement declaring the quit-notice date for the coronavirus.

Five: Create a list of whimsical medication that ‘cure’ the virus.

Six: Create, share, and support unverified, our outright fake, news on the virus.

Seven: Panic buy to the point where you buy what you know you won’t need.

Eight: Hike prices of commodities for the pleasure of cashing out quickly like any sharp businessman.

Nine: Say it out loud that the NCDC warnings are a hoax and social distancing is a weapon to contain the masses in a box of suffering. In other words, speak about the NCDC before you think of what to say.

Ten: Innovate new things like Corona cup, Corona concert, Corona aerobics tournament, Corona party, and all and all.

Voila! Here you have it: A compact list of things to do to be a Covidiot. If there are other things on the list that I missed out, come to the comment section, let’s discuss.