As Yahoo Boy — whether a newbie who just stumbled on the business or a learned scholar who just started practising but is committed and promising with lofty dreams — one thing you should do more often than not (and cannot afford to miss) is being connected on the internet and being available on all social media networks.

You certainly cannot afford the luxury of missing key events in your local country and other foreign countries depending on how many you can observe. You know why? Well, if you are on the same yahoo street in a yahoo-fertile land as myself, you would know that. But for those wondering and, perhaps, considering joining the booming business which is the future of the nation, here is a tip: you have to be connected to be able to access a variety of dating sites and chat with millions of clients at once! Yes, I mean it. That’s our special ability.

Second, you don’t want to miss the big news. The newspapers always carry big names who are prospective clients whether in your local country or in a foreign clime, just be updated and ready.

Forget the stale definition that “yahoo is the business of scamming oyinbo who exploited, and stole our father’s wealth”; yahoo is now a business of the people for the people and by the people. It has been creatively domesticated. The creative sensibilities and ingenuities of scamming can therefore be explored to accommodate local politicians, cunning bankers, their aide de camps in persons of gatemen, et ce tera.

So while you are scamming white people, you can conveniently and enjoyably scam black people too.

DISCLAIMER: if you are in a school and you are taught how to scam white people alone, please leave! Run for your life and take the next Okada to Abuja. If you are in Lagos, Keke Napep will do. In Abuja you will get the best of the best; I personally recommend Yahoo Model College located opposite the Federal Ministry of Petroleum Resources.

‘Pathway to World Scamming’: My Story

I have admired yahoo boys since I was seven. Booda Kola, our next door neighbour was always sleeping in the afternoon while his generator was always on at night. His house was always full with girls and boys and luxurious cars. If he was not working all night, he was playing with his girls (you always hear them screaming, disturbing your sleep). If he was not indoors at night, then they are off to club.

Booda Tunji opposite our house always sent me a lot of things (condom, cigarette, spaghetti etc) and gives me change. I like him, he is friendly.

My elder brother, Jibola (Jaybee), was not always at home. He was studying mechatronics engineering in school — he was obsessed with making robots in secondary school. And he littered our house with wires, tins, cans, foams, cartons.

I don’t know where the dream is now all I know is that he was always with Booda Tunji when he got back from school and as soon as daddy bought him a system, he ran away from home. And daddy, extremely angry, disowned him.

Now he has a car. The last time we spoke he said he will buy a car and a house to pacify daddy soon. Jay bee sponsored my Bachelor’s and Master’s degree though. He is a good brother.

It was Booda Tunji that first asked me what I wanted to do when I grow up. I was beside his car waiting for him to give me money. When he asked me, I looked at him and his friends sitting at the back of his car and exclaimed: “walahi talahi mo fe sha she!”

My father wanted me to be a farmer — he would say an “Agriculturist”. He still believes the Agricultural sector is the spring of wealth, the nation is blind to.

   “Or you can be a Doctor, Engineer or if you want, read lawyer”.

“Ha ha ha!” I would burst into laughter, “read Lawyer!”

He doesn’t understand that my mind is made up and couldn’t believe it when I told him I had enrolled for a Bachelor’s degree in “Cyber Fraud and Masterful Scamming”. His two sons are cyber fraudsters!

I have a Masters now though. I graduated with Distinction from the International School of Crimes (ISC) with MSC in International Wire and Scamming Beyond National Boundaries. My thesis was on “Decrypting Global Codes: Pathway to World Scamming”; feel free to congratulate me.

Great Headline Gives Double Joy

A politician, Diezani is the first female President of OPEC – the Organization of Petroleum-related Embezzlers and Criminals. She was minister of transportation in 2007 before she moved to Mines and Steal Development in 2008, and was appointed Minister of Petroleum Resources in 2010.

As a Budding Yahoo Boy, Diezani is my Role Model and Future ‘Maga’. I admire her a lot. There is nothing that has given me joy like the news of her enormous wealth and her remarkable proclivity and outstanding knowledge of the principles of “Modern Theft and Robbery”.

The recent news of her forfeiture of her jewelry worth $40million leaves me awestruck and my jaw dropping. The amount being around 14 billion 400 million Nigerian Naira.

“Wonderful! Wonderful! Mama mama o!” I just kept exclaiming and raising two hands in the air for one person.

Imagine that! 419 bangles, 315 rings, 304 earrings, I89 wristwatches, 267 necklaces, and a customised gold iPhone. Diezani must have had a million hands, a million necks, a million ears and a million fingers and may be more.

Wait, they didn’t mention noserings and navel-rings? Did EFCC miss it or the rings ran away. They could have escaped with her to the UK – these are extremely private stuff really. I mean, does the government have a navel to put such rings or a nose?

Did you read some literary texts, am I about to reel out classical epithets, “you know wah ‘m sayin'”? If Diezani were to be the Devil on the Cross by Ngugi wa Thiong’o she would be an ambassador for “Modern Theft and Robbery” Association (did I tell you, I was recently made a distinguished fellow of this association, well, thanks to my Masters’ thesis). If it were to be in Oliver Twist by Honourable Charles Dickens, then Diezani would the “Artful Dodger”.

By and large, I admire her masterful knowledge of the art and craft of “Modern Theft and Robbery”. She is a worthy role model. And because I admire her, she has worthily won a coveted space in my honour roll of future ‘magas’. Soon, my internet server will locate her in the UK, I will roll in billions and the rest they say will be history.

Don’t you think she probably has more, if she could leave such huge amount of jewelry and escape to London? Well then, we can share the rest— ha ha ha! Apt, my scamming knowledge is at work!

They Say No Telephone to Heaven, But Not Mobile Phone

With a customized gold iPhone, Diezani would certainly be able to call either heaven or hell – I can’t say which.

But the phone is too precious that calling preternatural forces will be the least of its functions. Even if apple doesn’t state it there. You imagine it.

I am not sure what Alison will tell God or Devil though. Only she can tell. May be, she will ask “why am I endowed with the appetite of 243,333+ people?”