No money, no influence… Success in Nigeria? No way!
When a Court of Justice gives the order for the release of a big man in Nigeria, that order is immediately complied with by the prison officials who know that they are big and, as such, do not need to be protected. For these big men, a motorcade is usually on hand to sweep them out of their legislative cells to go and be continuing their bigness from where they stopped in the real world.
‘We cannot go back to camp now’: Union of Covid-19 Corps Members writes NYSC
A group of youth corps members, under the aegis of the Union of Covid-19 Corps Members (UCCM), have called on the NYSC to shelve plans to have members return to…
Benue politician donates ultramodern, state-of-the-art ropes to goat farmers
“We deliberately picked this tinge of yellow because of how effectively it reflects sunlight. Our experiments show that, viewed from the right angles, the ropes can blind wild animals and herdsmen who try to get too close to the goats.”
All hail President Daddy Shock-ey!
Today, I do not intend to denigrate or bring to ridicule the president of a crippled giant of a blessed continent like most satirists and unpatriotic Nigerians do. It is my sole aim to bring to light an exploit of the president that is often overlooked – a feat that by now should have found its way into the Guinness Book of World Records if Nigeria is a country that is appreciative of the efforts expended by her leaders.
May Nigeria not happen to you
The bullion vans that entered a private bank on Bourdillon Street, your anti-graft agency is yet to probe. Your House of Assembly speaker has about 64 bank accounts, he is yet to be duly prosecuted too. But if the police find more than three ATM cards in your wallet, you are declared a yahoo boy and your trial starts immediately.
The road’s prayer: A Nigerian road’s supplicative commentary on the Paternoster
Every year, billions of money that the can break the jaw of a counter are allocated for my manicure and pedicure in the budget. Those monies are always too blind to locate me. The only place they know is the coffers of the same old corrupt politicians. The little that manages to locate me is usually shared with contractors who are always keen on having the lion’s share. Hence, my dreadful state!
Satire 0-1 News: Well-behaved inmate, peace deal with bandits, and other stories
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading.
From pit to palace: The rise and rise of Nigerian prisons
In Nigeria, an upgrade, no matter how insignificant it appears, calls for a rechristening. When you roam about Facebook, for instance, you may come across a Kande Kurushepe going by the new name of Yummy-Kandy Krueger-Sheks. Why? She has now acquired a cheap made-in-China Brontel Android phone and has caught up with the teeming webizens of the 21st century on the World Wide Web.
On rape in Nigeria: Hot takes from the wisest among men
I don’t know why men are so intelligent, I could almost question nature on the subject. Why apportioning so much intellect to the male gender? It’s really unfair on the…
Fuel scarcity, power cut: Things that could go wrong with a SpaceX launch in Nigeria
“What would a made-in-Nigeria SpaceX launch look like?” one researcher, Trojan (@ichtrojan) asked on Twitter, titling his study ‘Nigerian SpaceX – A thread of a million things that could go wrong’. And the responses, featuring the various characteristics of the typical Nigerian existence (from corruption to police brutality, party politics, and so on), could not have been more spot-on.
Happy 21st birthday, Democracy
Speaking of institutional nonsense, you remember how one of the first things you established was a reformed Nigeria? Ha! Good old days. A Nigeria with a doomed legislative building, sorry domed building called the National Assembly where family reunion is held every now and then between former khaki boys, holders of umbrellas, holders of circled stars (which today is a luxurious broom), and other distant cousins.
Sleep comfortably, sweet corruption!
This year’s 29th day of May is significant as it is on this day five years ago that Buhari declared the mother of all wars on corruption. His acceptance speech on that historic day in May 2015 marked the gradual death of Corruption. The story was told of how Mr Corruption could not withstand the superior firepower of Buhari’s highly motivated anti-corruption soldiers.