You-High authorities endorse SU presidential candidate, VC explains why
“I see nothing bad in damaging banners so far it’s not the school’s properties,” he said. “The aspirants should feel free to do what they like, but what they don’t know is that the results of the elections are ready. So they would only be foolish to keep antagonising themselves. Our preferred candidate for President is from Law.”
Nigerians and the so-called African time
Nigerians’ great respect for time is shown in their creation of another form of time that best suits their demands, known as the “African time.” So when a Nigerian fixes time for some important event, don’t be surprised when the event starts at the allocated time, the next day. That’s among the wonders of the African Time.
UI VC sets SU electoral rules, warns against allowing beardless contestants for presidency
“As part of your duties, you must diligently scrutinise all candidates and ensure that only those whose beards are naturally grown contest for president. This is a non-negotiable criterion. Any contestant with artificial beards must be screened out outright and his name forwarded to the Student Disciplinary Committee (SDC) for betrayal of nature and impersonation.”
Punocracy holds first Prize for Satire award ceremony, declares Nov. 9 World Satire Day
“We could easily tell you that according to history books, November 9, 1989, was when East Germany denounced the Berlin Wall after which German citizens tore it down, and how we want the day to fit into this narrative of freedom and absence of censorship. Or we could tell you that November 9 (11/9) is actually an inversion of 9/11 and tie this to how there are always alternative, civilised ways of venting grievances … But the truth is it is just a convenient date for us.”
An introduction to Fundamental Human Rights: the Nigerian sub-species
Just like any other progressive government in today’s world, the Nigerian government holds the subject of “human rights” to be of paramount importance. Fundamental human rights are so important they…
Ganduje monopolises corruption in Kano, brags of PhD in Pocketing Dollars
“Let me state clearly without any equivocation that anyone of you who engages in corrupt practices will be thrown out of office. There can’t be two kings in a kingdom. I have made frantic efforts to reach the zenith in corrupt and shady dealings; particularly, in pocketing dollars. Therefore, I urge you all to accord me the exclusive right as the Sarkin Dollars of Nigeria,” he said.
Fake news, fake legislators, fake government
Fake news on social media is an idiot. It is responsible for the hunger in the land, the slow growth rate of our economy, the increase in impoverished people, the poor power sector, the constant diminishing of our educational standards, and the mammoth crowd of Nigerians seeking to run out of the country. We’ve even closed our borders to avoid entrance of foreign fake news.
Satire 0-1 News: Flood destroys Nigerian prison as inmates escape, praying for BH, and other stories
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater…
The VP’s Dictionary: Animal rights, businessman, CEO, and 20 other words
17. Prayer: (n) The solution to every problem imaginable, including bad roads, bad leadership, and a lack of preparedness for examinations. If it doesn’t work, experts suggest that the soul must be troubled or that the dose is doubled.
Satire ≠ Fake News
Satire matters because it subverts and questions people in authority. Comedy and satire provide a social check on the government. It encourages observers to challenge and question policy. Conflating the proclaimed post-truth era with mainstream news outlets and satire runs the risk of depriving journalism of perspective.
The VP’s Dictionary: Activist, constituted authority, corruption, and 22 other words
Collins Dictionary, for instance, defines a road as “a long piece of hard ground which is built between two places so that people can drive or ride easily from one place to the other”. That’s correct you know—but only as long as you don’t import that understanding to Nigeria. Things are much different here… So different we’d need the entire dictionary rewritten to suit our realities. Here, a road would be more appropriately defined as “a warzone where potholes are mines, shock absorbers are shields, curses are bullets—and from which every soldier returns home a casualty”.
The parable of the pothole
As the driver approached it, the pothole cried out with a loud voice, “Who are you, driver?” Our driver responded as fast as the economic growth rate of Nigeria with, “I am Muhammed from Bornu state.” To my amazement, the pothole closed up leaving us with a smooth road to drive through. I asked the driver what just happened, he said, “Walahi, it’s because I’m from Bornu. What affects other Nigerians doesn’t affect us. Some basic problems other people encounter don’t come near us.”