Person of the Year Awards: Buhari, wife, Agent Fash, others win big
Many awards have been cancelled, some postponed like the Grammys, due to COVID-19. But not this. Our panelist said 2020 was a tough year for everyone, yet some Nigerians distinguished…
‘I hope they won’t notice.’ Cleric disguises normal events as prophecies
Local Nigerian pastor, Bishop E.A. “Ojuonitiwa” Joshua, has finally released a couple of prophecies for the infant year, 2021. Strangely, however, many of the events foretold are things with a 95 to 100 per cent chance of happening anyway.
“Democracy has been taken hostage in America,” says Sai Baba
In related news, the Nigerian ministry of Foreign Affairs in a travel advisory issued on its website has warned citizens of the country to reconsider traveling to the United States, particularly to the Washington DC area, due to post-election violence and the imminent fear of a break down in law and order.
A guide to becoming a quintessential Nigerian politician
You will build 30 schools in two weeks. You will feed every child three times a day plus supper at night. Poverty shall suffer. With you, Boko Haram shall all vanish. With you, there shall be no abduction of any sort. With you, nepotism and bribery and all other forms of corruption shall die by fire. Amen! Shout change. Preach change.
National Amnesia and Allied Matters Bill 2020
This is a bill for an Act to institutionalise National Amnesia, Official Corruption, Political Theatrics, and Insecurity in Nigeria. The Bill, herein referred to as NAAM, sets to cater for the peculiar mess of politicians and public officials, and also to stimulate and enhance pervasive docility among the masses.
The many ways Nigerians are having a Merry Christmas in 2020
This year’s food production has been the best in our history and is second to no other country of the world. Our barns are not able to contain the fruits of our farmers’ labours. Like that rich man in Jesus’ parable, our minds are set on how to demolish the old barns and build bigger ones. In 2021, we don’t have to bother about farming, we will rather say to our souls: we have acquired this much by our efforts and those of our leaders, therefore our bodies should relax and make merry.
Re: Notification of upcoming robbery exercise
Maybe we can help you from the nothing we have sha. As the chairman of this community, I’ll ask everybody to contribute twenty naira for you — ha! It’s a big money to us o — so we can transport you to Abuja to start your profession properly.
Angel Buhari at 78
Ever since your angelic visitation cum intervention to Nigeria’s political scene, it has been heaven on earth. Integrity, character, and honor mean the same thing all over the world except in Nigeria because you redefined it, in words and action. Not a single guile has been found in you because you’ve over-delivered on all your campaign promises.
I stand with Buari and his government
Haba! This FG has really suffered in your hands o! If you’re not accusing them of Lekki shootings, then you’re accusing them of silence over Bornu rice farmers killings. Is it everything the Government will always be addressing? Must you always call them out on every occasion? Are they the only Government to be corrupt and at the same time disguise to be warring against corruption?
Our pupils shall never go barefooted
Remember the news of a certain state government that distributed school sandals and uniforms worth twenty something million naira to pupils of primary schools? Maybe I’m late to hearing this but it doesn’t matter. I am fascinated by the pictures of those pupils. I see gratitude and excitement on the faces of these kids. It’s what their parents couldn’t offer.
Satire 0-1 News: Photoshopped suspects, clerics in space agency, and other stories
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading.