Prize for Satire

The horrors of homosexuality 

While the world is being torn apart by viral pandemics, cases of rape, murder and the likes, let us put that aside and focus on a more serious issue, the hideous crime of homosexuality. Could there be anything more disgusting than two humans of the same sex finding love and companionship with each other? Probably not. There is nothing normal about individuals engaging in intimate relationships that won’t result in making babies – totally unproductive and time wasting.

Prize for Satire

Beatitudes 

Because we wear white and black/because we stay under the brutal sun/we become brutal/’the government hasn’t paid us’ is now an anthem at the police college/we look the innocent with the eyes of a vulture/rifle on the head/ and siphon from their suffered pennies.

Prize for Satire

How to raise your children 

You must first give birth obviously, you must do this to please the neighbors, your parents need to carry their grandchildren, your church members, deacons who look upon you with indignation, your friend who have jokingly mocked you for been childless, your coworkers in the office and your village people, your relatives need to perform their tradition depending on the tribe you are from.

Prize for Satire

Political party preparatory election memos in Nigeria 

I’m delighted by your prompt response to my memo and the seriousness with which you are taking this into consideration. Going through your memo, it is obvious the party is set to go on with her primary election. Thus, aspiring members whom were not shortlisted will be officially disqualified on the grounds of campaign of calumny, dastardly acts and irregularities of credentials.

Prize for Satire

Beer parlour talk 

I had joined my neighbour at the drinking parlour the night before. He looked devastated, like one who was about to be drowned in perpetual sorrow. He was rarely like that, so I knew it had to be something serious. I quizzed him till he finally said something. Something that affected him, me, and every man in our community. He initially laughed at my colossal ignorance. ‘You no dey Facebook?’

Prize for Satire

To whom it may concern 

Boys are angels. Men are God-sent. I understand how magnificent the male child is every time my lungs expand and contract. The male child is gratified and society knows why. They have to be sent to school, taught to make money and be go-getters. The male child from the day they are born are raised to believe they can have it all, they should want it all and above all, they can get it all.

Prize for Satire

The Nigerian young adult manual 

God doesn’t make mistakes, at all. And Nigerians are proof of it. In His all-knowingness, He understood perfectly what being a Nigerian would entail, and on the Eighth day, while every other human specie had become ‘up and functioning’, He made Nigerians, with cement and a resilient spirit to absorb hardship, and melanin, lots of it, to absorb harshness from the sun

From Our Allies

A comprehensive guide on how to act straight 

I’m well too, just that I’ve been ruminating over what you said the last time we talked: “I’m on WikiHow reading an article on straight-acting.” I vowed not to reply until I found you some help. To make this happen, I had to examine the trail of ash you’re leaving behind for people to see, and browsing your Facebook profile and your Medium articles on self-discovery, the bells started to ring: “This boy is CLEARLY gay! This boy is clearly GAY!”