Prize for Satire

Being a virtuous lady 

“A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word [“accomplished”]; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions or the word will be but half-deserved.”

Prize for Satire

The legal way to do yahoo yahoo in Nigeria 

Before you start jotting things down, understand that when I am talking about Yahoo Yahoo in Nigeria, I am not talking about the riff-raffs who depend on $25 iTunes or Amazon gift cards from one John Doe in Casablanca or those who use $1 million to buy a Morris Minor – one car like that from the future. I am also not talking about the ones who end up in the garden of SARS and bribe their way out with N10,000. Never, not those small fishes wriggling in the ocean.

Prize for Satire

Achieving success as a Nigerian musician: A practical guide on how to blow 

Before we begin, I will like to congratulate you for being a man; be thankful to nature for this blessing. If you aren’t a man, either gear up for constant sidelining or check your dreams for Plan B — unless you don’t mind wearing gold chains, sunshades, do-rags and denim every day. You know, fake it till you make it. Even then, you’d still have a slim chance, because Nigerians made a groundbreaking discovery that having tiny bonus brains lodged within each testicle improves creativity.

Prize for Satire

Nigerian parenting: A small handbook 

The first thing you need to know is that you have to give birth to many children. Omo ni ade; they are your wealth, they carry on the family name, they take care of you when you are old. If you decide to have one and that one dies when he is twenty – remember that story of that boy that died during his graduation? – what will happen then?

Prize for Satire

Candid suggestions for President Mumu-Man-Du 

Good day, President Mumu-Man-Du, the Commander-in-C(t)hief, my amiable f(r)iend. I hear you are greatly perturbed by the state of our nation; the hardship it is entrenched in, coupled with the fallacious claims from most citizens, that you are incompetent. Indeed, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. To placate and encourage your perplexed self, I offer to you and your representathieves, my candid suggestions on how to positively manage the affairs of our nation.

Prize for Satire

Made in Nanja 

Our democracy is twenty-one years old. This calls for a celebration; the type that requires Aso-Ebi and sumptuous jollof rice with chicken. It is a good thing to give thanks to God for keeping this unholy alliance together. Though many things have gone wrong in this our country, we are proud to flutter our flag though stained with the blood of innocent souls whose death always raises a dirge at nightfall in the North.

Prize for Satire

The many reasons why I am pro-abortion 

I own a penis. It is important to start with that. Why? My penis clouds my judgment. I don’t have the right to tell a woman what to do with her body, unless, I am pro-abortion. If I am pro-abortion, then it doesn’t matter if I own a penis or not. Bonus points if I am in a science-related field. My views will be all over the place. It is sheer arrogance for a penis owner to go against abortion. After all, penis owners don’t listen to vagina owners on health-related issues.

Prize for Satire

On mourning a son 

There are different reasons for which people may want to mourn a son. This guide is useful for those keeping their eyes on the big goals of their son’s property or their son’s wife. For eye-service tips on how to pretend you weren’t actually the one who killed your son, check out our guide on mourning louder than the bereaved here.