Exclusive: The true story of how greedy capitalists killed Jesus because “he was bad for business”
Pontius Teenubew’s small frame competes with the dust he is gathering as he completes his passionate address to the Council of the Rich, “I can’t sell wine easily, because nobody wants my wine when Jesus can turn water to wine. Mazi Jonathan can’t sell his fishes, because this Jesus can multiply them. Look at Healer Adamu, nobody wants to see him when they can wait for Jesus. If we don’t end Jesus now, he will end us!!!”
Nigerian man paid to fix local hospitals again runs abroad to treat himself
Nigeria’s highest-paid civil servant, Mohd Boo-Harry alias Bad Boy alias Kilokanmi (What is My Business?) alias E Choke (?), has again dipped hands into his employers’ purse for a “medical check-up” in London even after being handsomely paid to upgrade the country’s health facilities.
Obituary: Nigeria, where preventable deaths are cast in stone
From Jalingo, he was transferred to a Specialist Hospital in Gombe where experts waited to remedy his health issue. But first, he had to travel on the infrastructural perfection that is the Jalingo-Numan-Gombe road. The comfort and joy that the bumps, potholes and debris on the elegant road offered him was a taste of what lies beyond this world.
Exclusive: You-High to give up on virtual learning
Information reaching our quarters has it that You-High, the Ibadan-based university, will give up on its virtual learning programme, owing to repeated trails and errors that have failed to sustain academic activities.
Nigeria to set up insurance scheme for kidnap victims
“Think about it for a moment,” said the country’s defence minister Babachir Magaji during a press briefing on Monday. “We have to be prepared. Getting kidnapped is not a matter of ‘if’ anymore, it is about ‘when’. And it is not something that affects just one social class or ethnic group. Everybody is eating the breakfast.”
How to live in Africa as an African
Copycatting is an endemic feature of an African who lives in Africa. And when you engage yourself with this African style of inauthenticity, let it be the western style that you will copy. Forget the west humiliated us with colonialism and some of them said “Africans cannot think” and forget that that means we don’t have our own pre-existing ways of doing things before they discovered Africa.
How to show you are a genius in Nigerian varsities
1. Do not keep your clothes smart to your body: You see, ironing clothes, starching them or putting necessary gators on your shirts/trousers are time wasters and, trust me, you wouldn’t want to waste your precious time on things that wouldn’t showcase the level of your erudition.
‘Only cowards run from terrorists,’ says Nigeria’s minister of self-defence
Making his first public appearance in years, General Babachir ‘I-Once-Fought-A-Lion-With-My-Bare-Hands’ Magaji, on Wednesday, regaled journalists with stories of how he fought in the Nigerian Civil War with nothing but a table knife.
Guide to surviving as a child in an African home
Except members of your immediate family, the rest are witches and wizards. Their foods are forbidden for you, so are cash and material gifts from them. In the event that you are cornered and have no choice than to except gifts from them, make sure to give them to your mother for effective and thorough cleansing and safe-keeping, as the case may be.
How to think of Africa and Africans
As an African, if you don’t know already, the benchmark of global standards should always be the west. Looking for just and fair democracies? The west has it (never mind cracks in their institutions and racial segregations). Thinking of ways of how the world should progress in the areas of science, arts and technology? The west is the best bet (hey, shut that thought that African cultures, sciences and traditions are equally viable).
Five jobs that will make you an overnight millionaire in Nigeria
There are at least 21 million unemployed Nigerians, with a 30.7% underemployment rate in a country of 209 million people. The circumstances of many Nigerians have put them in morally precarious situations, forcing many Nigerians to either become criminals or take whatever the country has to offer them; in most cases, nothing.
Being a Nigerian house agent—in six simple codes
You must be able to convince your clients on why they must pay an inspection fee before you take them to a house – whether they would like it or not. If the rooms of the house are small, magnify them with your mouth. Tell them the rooms will get bigger as they live in it. If the toilets or bathroom is like a cubicle, tell them that’s the trend and, if it was any bigger, they might mistake it for a room.
Buharists surprisingly not exempted from govt’s harsh policies
“Since the Central Bank of Nigeria placed a ban on cryptocurrency transactions yesterday, we have read the letter and other documents countless times to see whether there is an exception for Buharists because, as well all know, Bubu is loyal to his loyalists. News splash! No one is exempted, not even Ogundesi.”
How to be a lecturer in Nigerian universities
First, you need to reserve the highest grade for immortals, like Jesus, Allah, Sango, Amadioha, or any deity you worship. Mortals shouldn’t get an A. It can be only over your dead body. You didn’t get A’s in some courses during your time, what makes the students think they are better than you?
Street 101: Five lessons from the (Lagos) city
My city has taught me that greatness demands sacrifice. Do not be scared, you don’t need blood and rituals. You sacrifice money! In the city, you (must) buy a bunch of bananas for a thousand naira. A plate of food for 50,000 naira, a bottle of water for half that price.