Tokunbo cars petition UN, lament ‘cruelty’ in Nigeria
Mr Volkswagen Jetta, the network’s public relations officer, lamented that it is only in Nigeria you find seven people sitting in a place clearly meant for two.
“One large buttock or two will now be dragging our gearshifts with the driver,” he said. “And, for our minibus-members, those ones called conductors even have one leg in the vehicle and one outside because of lack of space. Let us not even go into how one car is forced to carry loads meant for a lorry.”
Weight loss now requirement for promotion of civil servants, says FG
Workers, sources at the ministry of labour and employment told our reporter, may also soon be compelled to submit documents showing how many days off work they spent overseas as well as church/mosque attendance registers.
“The administration wants to make sure civil servants are taking time out to freshen up and to pray for the country,” an aide to the minister disclosed. “You see, especially now that the minimum wage has been increased, it is important we get value for every penny spent.”
Atiku applies to US for Nigerian birth certificate
Alabere Williams, a US-based Nigerian neurosurgeon, explained that the behavioural patterns of Atiku are suggestive of a condition known as paranoid schizophrenia. “The man seems to see the United States as some sort of father or god figure whom he runs to whenever he’s in trouble, and the delusion is getting worse by the day,” he said with a concerned look.
Though on steroids, Nigeria’s minimum wage loses badly at world Olympics
Nigeria’s abysmally poor-performing minimum wage has been a subject of controversy for years. Analysts say even the newly administered steroids may not have a nationwide effect, as state governors have already started lamenting their inability to afford the drug.
SARS most feared phenomenon in Nigeria after Boko Haram, says UN agency
Meanwhile, the report also disclosed that the third most fearsome phenomenon to Nigerians is visa denial. Equally on the list were herdsmen, traffic congestion, underpants disappearance, queues (especially for elections), food insufficiency at parties, good leadership, and flat mobile phone batteries.
We want our own constituency at NASS — internet users tell INEC
Given the results of various polls conducted on the internet in the buildup to the general elections, many Nigerians had expected Sowore, Moghalu, or Atiku Abubalar to be declared winner. A new study has, however, revealed that social media has not fully penetrated the Northern region, especially the 3 K’s of Kano, Kaduna, and Katsina. The study also found that internet users in the South are 72 percent more likely to spend their day trolling, mailing subs, or watching Game of Thrones, than voting for their preferred candidates.
Smaller parties ask INEC to share void votes equally among them
“Nigerians do not recognise the importance of our parties. They are saying on Twitter that we should be checking our results through JAMB scratch cards. Don’t they know that smaller parties are needed in a democracy to make things lively? Besides, how can Nigerians get the coveted title of ‘former presidential/senatorial candidate’ if there are only two parties? Don’t they know that these parties are like universities, while we are the polytechnics and colleges of education?”
Nigeria’s potholes experience calculated massacre as election season approaches
Though the rising level of infrastructural development or seeming development is a national phenomenon, The T.A. Report gathers that Lagos State is an exception. It is reported that capital-intensive projects in the Centre of Excellence currently suffer unusual neglect as the governor, Akinwunmi Ambode, has abandoned office for a more pragmatic role of “APC campaign rally strategist and bench-warmer”.
Giant Abuja broom wins Guinness World Record for ‘stupidest campaign object’
“We would normally expect that it takes decades before this record is broken in another political campaign. But, with the level of passionate competitiveness observable in Nigeria’s politics, we suppose anything really is possible. Giant squirrels, chickens, trees, and so on, we never can tell.”
The plan was to invite Nigerian, not Nigerien, governors — aide
The senior official, who pleaded for his identity not to be disclosed for fear of “being fed to the EFCC like Babachir for political gains”, said the official explanation that they came to understudy President Muhammadu Buhari’s style was mere damage control.
‘How would students come for our rallies if we called off ASUU strike?’ Buhari asks
“So we urge members of ASUU to be patient with us; and also our l-l-aa- …., sorry, hardworking youth. If we still have enough money left in the treasury after the campaigns, we will definitely give priority to the schools.”
We have two and a half, not three, arms of government—Nigeria’s AGF clarifies
“Any law that is in force has to first be reviewed and signed by the president. That’s how it works; and the National Assembly has yet to transmit this so-called 1999 Constitution. For now, Mr President is applying the set of laws he used as head of state in the 1980s, at least pending the time the lawmakers send an update,” the A.G. added.
In his grave, Abacha turns in envy as Buhari suspends CJN
“My guess is that it has to do with General Buhari’s latest move, removing Walter Onnoghen as the Chief Justice of Nigeria and replacing him with Tanko. Baba would have been high on envy, considering that, with all his powers as a military head of state back then, the judiciary was still largely independent.”
Buhari ranked head of state with highest integrity following finance minister’s exit — report
President Muhammadu Buhari has overtaken Vladmir Putin of Russia and Yoweri Museveni of Uganda to become the head of state with the highest level of integrity in the world, according to a recent report.
Certificate forgery is test of ‘a true Nigerian politician’ — says Information Minister
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Most Nigerians seem not to get it, Information Minister Alhaji Lai Mohammed has said, that the ability to forge a certificate is the hallmark of “a…