Local man with zero knowledge of vaccines speaks boldly about them
Even though Local Man is a graduate of The Performing Arts and has since worked as a party photographer, he has at least watched one YouTube video, read three blogposts, and forwarded four WhatsApp broadcast messages (after seeing the word vaccine and many exclamation marks in the first paragraph) on the subject of vaccination. Naturally, he now considers himself an expert.
‘I hope they won’t notice.’ Cleric disguises normal events as prophecies
Local Nigerian pastor, Bishop E.A. “Ojuonitiwa” Joshua, has finally released a couple of prophecies for the infant year, 2021. Strangely, however, many of the events foretold are things with a 95 to 100 per cent chance of happening anyway.
Nigerian gets kidnapped abroad. Nigerians react on behalf of govt.
From setting up a committee to blaming the victim for being reckless, Nigerians have predicted with hilariously sorrowful accuracy how their government would likely react to one of the country’s citizens getting abducted by criminals in a foreign country, say Libya.
Buari’s speech on Lekki Massacre still being edited
The presidency has asked Nigerians to be patient for the part II of Mahmud Buari’s speech to the country on the End SARS campaign, explaining that the section containing his position on the Lekki Massacre and other key issues is still with the video editor.
Buharii wonders why Nigerians are still protesting despite high-level meetings
“What have we not done in the past two weeks? We have released what, about 10, press statements? I have met with several government officials and shared clear pictures of these high-level meetings to assure Nigerians of my personal involvement. We have in fact, you know, technically defeated SARS and replaced two of the letters. My wife’s solidarity tweet did not even have any effect,” he lamented.
‘Not like we were using them before’: FG to Anonymous on hacked sites
The Federal Government has reacted to a spate of attacks launched against websites and Twitter handles belonging to some of its agencies by Anonymous, an international hacktivist movement, and said the group is free to keep them. “It is not like we were using them before,” said presidential spokesperson Fem De-sin during an interview on Sunset Weekly.
Police brutalise protesters protesting police brutality
“You know the only other protest to have received such international recognition is the #BringBackOurGirls movement. But the truth is we cannot scrap SARS now because we have not reached our revenue generation goals for the last quarter of 2020 so we are trying to fast-track things or at least attain 50 per cent completion. It is this money we still use to fund campaigns during election, buy fuel to sustain police stations, and pay for some of our unofficial trips abroad. Nigerians who have had encounters with SARS have no idea how important their contributions are to national development.”
#OurMilitaryIsCapable: Army takes war on terror to Twitter bandits
Leading this assault on social media bandits is Brig. Gen. PamPam, more fondly known by his nickname Omo Iya Ologi. With an army of over 260,000 followers on Twitter, Iya Ologi’s son possesses the perfect qualities required for a project as important as ass-wiping the Nigerian Army’s reputation on the internet.
Former devil becomes saint after joining party of angels
A former good-for-nothing devil, fondly known as Ba Sheggy, has become washed of his countless sins after he recently joined the political party of angels, The T.A. Report gathered.
Outspoken Nigerian activist keeps forgetting she’s married to the president
Meanwhile, experts have suggested the unusual pain experienced by the first lady might be because “she often stretches her neck to look for solutions outside the presidential villa when they are right beside her”. Given her recent press statement, they added, Nigerians should expect that more state resources will be spent on additional trips to the United Arab Emirates.
NDDC MD’s acting coach resigns after his ‘disappointing performance’
“The entire national assembly probe is a script we’ve written since last year and this fainting episode is meant to be the season finale,” he said. “But see what happened? My whole reputation is on the line. My career is in shambles and I’m even starting to question my life purpose.”
Nigerians using jawmasks ask why ‘the damn thing’ isn’t working
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigerians who have been adhering strictly to the use of jawmasks, among other safety measures to protect themselves from COVID-19, are starting to wonder why they…
Benue politician donates ultramodern, state-of-the-art ropes to goat farmers
“We deliberately picked this tinge of yellow because of how effectively it reflects sunlight. Our experiments show that, viewed from the right angles, the ropes can blind wild animals and herdsmen who try to get too close to the goats.”
Fuel scarcity, power cut: Things that could go wrong with a SpaceX launch in Nigeria
“What would a made-in-Nigeria SpaceX launch look like?” one researcher, Trojan (@ichtrojan) asked on Twitter, titling his study ‘Nigerian SpaceX – A thread of a million things that could go wrong’. And the responses, featuring the various characteristics of the typical Nigerian existence (from corruption to police brutality, party politics, and so on), could not have been more spot-on.