The T.A. Report

Nigerians on Twitter share their inspiring (and realistic) cash-saving experiences 

A group of hard-working and smart Nigerians have taken to Twitter to share their 100 per cent true stories of saving money from their little earnings. Hoping others, especially members of the Youth Wing of the Union of Lazy Nigerians, will learn from their experiences, they also disclosed the mind-blowing things they have invested the savings in, including building houses and hospitals.

The T.A. Report

Woman-beating senator, Abbo, gives hope to others like him, says award cttee 

“Abbo’s achievements give us hope that a man can still walk into any establishment, beat up people who challenge his God-given authority, and walk away with both his manhood and status intact. They give us hope that even the efficiency of security cameras and the outrage of all of the social media aren’t enough to bring down a daring man, no less a lawmaker with higher standards of behaviour. We are excited that such trifles as a man slapping a woman aren’t a genuine concern for the courts and legislature.”

The T.A. Report

Democracy files for divorce. ‘I’m leaving Nigeria for Dubai,’ she says. 

Democracy said she can no longer tolerate Nigeria’s abusive behaviour. Almost consistently, he hits her with the rattan cane of electoral malpractice, the bullwhip of press censorship, as well as the leather belts of indiscriminate arrests and illegal detentions. According to her, the injuries she sustained from the gubernatorial elections in Kogi and Bayelsa states, where both electoral materials and electoral officials went missing, nearly killed her.

The T.A. Report

Nigerian first lady teaches pupils to wash their hands using ‘ultramodern’ technology 

“It is less stressful than what we are used to in cities across the country,” she added. “All you have to do is step out from the comfort of your classrooms into the sun, place your foot on the pedal to tilt the keg of water, and lean forward to rinse your hands vigorously, ensuring your legs are balanced and upright the entire time but your trunk is bent at an angle of about 45 degrees. And then, you refill the keg from the well as soon as the water is exhausted while making sure the pointed sticks don’t pierce your skin.”

The T.A. Report

Immorality now Nigeria’s greatest security challenge, say police after ‘Operation Risky Bob’ 

“Yesterday’s invasion, which is the first phase of what we’ve tagged ‘Operation Risky Bob’, was no doubt successful as we prevented the commission of ungodly atrocities on our soil. I mean, what insecurity could be greater than not feeling secure with the gender your wise parents gave you?” the PPRO asked, as some policemen and journalists nodded in approval.

The T.A. Report

DSS arrest geography teacher for teaching solar revolution 

He added that the curriculum revision recently done by the federal government has suggested alternatives for topics or theories that may be considered (t)reasonably unfair to the administration. “Solar revolution” is now to be known as “solar gyration” and all historical revolutions, such as the 1917 Russian revolution or the 1959 Cuban revolution, are now to be referred to simply as unrests—but must not be taught in classes.