Dear newly sworn-in government officials …
After four years, you’ll be left with our doses of curses and prayers. We’ll forget the roads you built. The two-room block of classrooms you commissioned, the borehole you drilled with a manual pump. But we’ll never forget how the economy went down and how we battled recession. How the megawatts of electricity never increased. How you canvassed our votes by promising us our rights and how you never did more than wear agbada and pass bills about increasing your salaries. And yes! We will not forget how you raise your two fingers and shout democracy o!
Competence insists on remaining in exile as Buhari begins second term
Sources at the state house, who we admit were not very sober at the time, told the T.A. Report that someone called Loyalty has occupied the office previously used by Competence since May 2015. There are indications this office will be converted into a full-fledged agency in the coming months.
Tokunbo cars petition UN, lament ‘cruelty’ in Nigeria
Mr Volkswagen Jetta, the network’s public relations officer, lamented that it is only in Nigeria you find seven people sitting in a place clearly meant for two.
“One large buttock or two will now be dragging our gearshifts with the driver,” he said. “And, for our minibus-members, those ones called conductors even have one leg in the vehicle and one outside because of lack of space. Let us not even go into how one car is forced to carry loads meant for a lorry.”
How to be a Nigerian Scholar in the West│James Yékú
You are “in the abroad” and your views must be seen by these irrational colleagues you have left in the dark as the absolute and irrefutable truths. After all, their research is a mere survivalist response to a parlous postcolonial state you are so generous to theorize in your peer-reviewed essays. Yours is the finest example of scholarship and your prestigious location is the desired Mecca those at home dream only about.
How to write about Africa│Binyavanga Wainaina
In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall, thin people who are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat primates. Don’t get bogged down with precise descriptions. Africa is big: fifty-four countries, 900 million people who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to read your book.
Behind the scenes: Buhari’s prayers in Medina
Somewhere in the Arabian desert, two frames dressed in white ihram, one much taller than the second, are seen discussing in hushed tones and with a seriousness characteristic of Nigeria, one of the world’s very advanced nations. The Sun provides a natural filter for the faces of His Excellency, the president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, and his most senior media adviser… but Bayo Omoboriowo, the president’s photographer, is not close-by to capture the unique scene.
Nigerian Tailor Victims Support Bill 2019│Elnathan John
A bill for an Act to cater to the millions of traumatised victims of tardy Nigerian tailors, to establish a Tailor Crimes Commission, Tailors Victims Support Commission and the Tailors Victims Support fund, to criminalise and provide punishment for tardiness by tailors and other matters related thereto.
Letter to the Nigerian people. Signed: Your Politician
Just the other day while on a visit to my mother’s, I gave the youths filling up the potholes on the road an handsome cash of N5000. What if the contractor had done the road excellently with expensive materials, how will these youths make money from the hundreds of cars on that route? I’m sure they are making a lot!
What an honest ad for Loom really looks like
Previous studies have also shown that inability to cash out may lead to dizziness, poor appetite, rapid weight loss, fever, depression, among 451 other symptoms. If any of these side effects persists after three days, we recommend you see a doctor (if you still have some money left).
Why you should continue to loom — a financial advisory guide
Leave Loom not, Agents. Borrow nothing from events of the past. Yes, I agree, to some extent, your falling prey to obscure investment schemes is not your fault. “Poor souls are desperate souls.” Isn’t that what we hear? “Unemployed men are ever eager.” Isn’t that what we know? Add to those the fact that your government does not care about you for all it cares. At ordinary oversight and regulatory roles it miserably fails.
Weight loss now requirement for promotion of civil servants, says FG
Workers, sources at the ministry of labour and employment told our reporter, may also soon be compelled to submit documents showing how many days off work they spent overseas as well as church/mosque attendance registers.
“The administration wants to make sure civil servants are taking time out to freshen up and to pray for the country,” an aide to the minister disclosed. “You see, especially now that the minimum wage has been increased, it is important we get value for every penny spent.”
Is Falz Nigeria’s first satirical artiste? — Reviewing Nigeria’s ‘immoralities’ through his Moral Instructions
In a bid by some unrelenting quarters to establish the ideal Nigerian state, Falz has assumed the musical role Plato had envisaged — even more to the extent of comfortably using satire to drive home his points. From Sweet Nigeria in which he sang This is Nigeria to his latest, Moral Instruction, he has shown he is serious about the role.
Opinion: Laugh if you like. But we need satire more than ever│Owen Jones
It is all too often those at the bottom of society who are demonised and derided. There’s too little punching up. Where is the scrutinising – and yes, ridiculing – of the poverty-paying bosses, the tax dodgers, or the bankers responsible for economic disaster? Satire can be brilliantly effective at encouraging us to challenge the way our society is run. It is a more crucial element of our democracy than we perhaps think, and we should fight to bring it back to the prime-time slots it deserves.
Review: A journey into Nigeria through Elnathan John’s Guide on Be(com)ing Nigerian
Place a mirror in front of Nigeria, and all that you would see is Be(com)ing Nigerian: A Guide. The book passes to be called Nigeria’s encyclopedia on what Nigerians do…