The VP’s Dictionary: Abroad, lawmaker, poverty, and 38 other words
5. Bail: (n) 1. A ransom paid to police officers by a captive to secure his release. 2. The release of a defendant from police custody following an application from the defendant themself or a law court; subject to presidential oversight, the security agency has full discretion over whether or not to grant this application.
Buhairy buys new toilet called ‘Rule of Law’, says he enjoys shitting on it
Explaining the president’s strange toilet hobbies to the T.A. Report, presidential spokesman Garuba Shior said, since the new acquisition, Buhairy has spent more time in the restroom than he has in his office or even his (otherwise highly cherished) other room.
Man to Martyr: The ‘Soworape’ of the Rule of Law.
Umu Nigeria, Freedom is not free, the press can’t be allowed to report freely because their owners are either enemies of the government or potential enemies, people like Sowore and co. The people do not deserve a collective power because they don’t know what they want. If you don’t know that N30,000 is more than enough to sustain a family of six for over a month, how then do you know what is good for you?
Hate Speech: I am the Law, and the Law shall not be mocked!
It is the year 2022… The social media bill has been passed into law, Twitter has become a ghost town… Only users with VPN access to mask their IP address…
Dear Aunty Aisha, please stand still. Stop confusing the thunder.
I logged on Twitter to see your name trending. I was excited that our matron was back at giving the cabal their usual dose of gbas and gbos, only for me to get the shocker of my life. I don’t know what surprised me the most, that you were making references to China or that you were encouraging those small boys in the Senate to take away our social media that has saved your marriage more times than a therapist.
Divided we stand, divided we fall
You think these people are not working hard? I laugh. If they worked hard to give you a good economy, good-paying jobs, and a minimum wage of N100,000, how then will you be able to sell your vote for N2,000? This is why they work hard to keep you poor, so that poverty will, in turn, have you work for them too. You think you’re the only one who read The Richest Man In Babylon?
Satire 0-1 News: Missing INEC staff, Sowore may be knocked down if released, and other stories
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater…
Bubu congratulates Hayaya Bail-Low on reelection, urges him to owe 48 months salaries
“Mr Governor, I urge you to develop their sufferings and glorify their poverty. That is one cornerstone of our party’s policies – domesticating poverty massively and celebrating corrupt officials, willful abuse of court orders and rape of the nation’s constitution. 38 months of unpaid salaries are just the tip of the iceberg. Owe them 48 months.”
UI rusticates Character, unveils plan to build Institute for ‘Budget Padding’ Studies
When asked if he thinks he could lead the institution, he interjected: Why not? “My mischievous credentials, professional qualifications in deflating gra-gra and over 30 years impertinence to due process in the academia give me an unequaled edge among my contemporaries in the corrupt world to lead the NUC,” Olayyinka said.
Once upon a (great) country
In another state, the governor reiterated that the king’s welfare is paramount to the workers’ survival because who are the workers without the king. So he went on to buy a Rolls Royce with a few billions of Naira for the king of one village without paying the workers’ salary. Of course, the workers did not move a finger in protest since they understood the importance of a new car purchase for the king, whose old cars were unbefitting of his status in the league of powerful kings.
The seven commandments of surviving in Nigerian politics
Politics in Nigeria is so fickle and vacillating. No one can be so sure of what comes next. One minute, the masses are singing your praises and the next moment you are struggling to get them to vote for you. This might be because of a single action or inaction which you consider insignificant but turns out to be significant enough to pull you down. So always have a backup plan.
Kogi elections: Was democracy raped?
Because the Presidency holds the lives of the citizens in high esteem, they have to, first of all, congratulate whoever wins in Kogi, applaud INEC for a job well done and shower encomium on security operatives before they — if they will — count the number of lost lives, rough-handled citizens, injured voters, and traumatised individuals. Meanwhile, it is an offence to mentally or physically endanger any kind of animal in the UK.
Democracy files for divorce. ‘I’m leaving Nigeria for Dubai,’ she says.
Democracy said she can no longer tolerate Nigeria’s abusive behaviour. Almost consistently, he hits her with the rattan cane of electoral malpractice, the bullwhip of press censorship, as well as the leather belts of indiscriminate arrests and illegal detentions. According to her, the injuries she sustained from the gubernatorial elections in Kogi and Bayelsa states, where both electoral materials and electoral officials went missing, nearly killed her.