From Our Allies

Dictionary entry: SARS 

(of the police, ‘special’ enforcement agents, etc.) to pre-design (a) crime(s) in ambush for sb., especially when they are presumed to own a smartphone or a laptop; or wear flashy hairdo and/or dress flamboyantly: The police has just SARSed Dele for wearing Gucci | Put on your slippers instead of those Adidas, or do you want to be SARSed?

The T.A. Report

Police brutalise protesters protesting police brutality 

“You know the only other protest to have received such international recognition is the #BringBackOurGirls movement. But the truth is we cannot scrap SARS now because we have not reached our revenue generation goals for the last quarter of 2020 so we are trying to fast-track things or at least attain 50 per cent completion. It is this money we still use to fund campaigns during election, buy fuel to sustain police stations, and pay for some of our unofficial trips abroad. Nigerians who have had encounters with SARS have no idea how important their contributions are to national development.”

From Our Allies

We have your best interests in mind 

My dearest friends and countrymen, words have reached me that a lot of you are planning to support a mass rally against we the politicos and Messiah of our beloved country. Haba! Is this right for us? Aren’t you aware that there are a lot of good plans we have in stock for you? Ahn Ahn! Instead of you to walk down to our offices or call our phone numbers which we always pick when it rings, you are…you are busy cooking up revolutions here and here.

From Our Allies

Nigeria: Sixty but [not] faulty 

Only an ingrate will have no justification to give thanks on behalf of our dear country. I mean, since our fiftieth anniversary in 2010, God has preserved your life and eyes to see six ASUU strikes, three NLC strikes, devaluation of the naira from 156/$, a surge in importation of talents from Nigeria to oversea, a mushrooming population of poor people, thus, making us the world’s poverty capital, a proliferated unemployment rate, a surge in mortality rates due to insecurity, a country as united as the blades of a ceiling fan, and many undeniable glories of selfish and poor leadership.

From Our Allies

“I have never received bribe all my life” — Ameshi to sue Magun for plagiarism 

From my sources close to the Honorable Minister, I can authoritatively tell you that when news broke out Wednesday that Mr. Magun uttered words during a meeting with the press on never receiving a bribe in his life, the honorable minister was left flabbergasted, utterly astonished, and vowed to fight like every struggling Nigerian out there to protect his verbal properties.