The Nigerian handbook on how to get a man
Hello there. If you are reading this, you are either a desperate Nigerian woman in need of professional advice on how to secure a man or a Nigerian man who would like to understand women and why they do what they do. For those who fall under the former category, it is expected that you discard all prior knowledge you have about getting a man seeing as it didn’t get you anywhere, no offence.
How to raise a true believer
As you know, children of these days are becoming difficult to handle and our hold on them is fast declining. It has become more important for us to teach our children our ways, to show them how important it is to be god-fearing.
Ubuntu; I am because you are!
God dey hear, one very commendable lifestyle in Nigeria is being your neighbours’ keeper and relatives’ caregivers. It doesn’t matter if it sits well with you, you have to religiously look out for those who are fortunate enough to know you. The beauty of this is that, when Nigeria happens to you — as it is certain it would — you get a return of your gesture in multiple folds. Beyond this, however, is the Ubuntu philosophy of life in Nigeria.
Becoming a Nigerian parent
The first rule on how to be a good parent in Nigeria is to marry as many men/women as possible in noble poverty. No one will question you. You don’t even need to cut your clothing according to your size. Your minimum wage monthly salary will rise, like ‘garri ijebu’, as you forcefully bring the innocent children to this earth to enjoy the ever-flourishing life in Nigeria with you.
Dear misogynists (and the closet ones too)
It is so unfair that there is an advocacy for the equality of both genders—particularly the female gender—in all areas of life. Why should women who have long been given the highest honour of being in charge of certain important matters pertaining to the kitchen and childbearing suddenly want more from life? How dare they demand the right to be seen and treated as equals? Such an ungrateful lot!
“Clearly, you gentlemen representing your districts on this issue are full of impassioned grit and steely determination. I can see all of us are ready to truly solve this err…..err…..thing. Very commendable. Although I would love nothing more but to listen to you all, our one hour is however almost up. If there is no other issue err… Shall we adjourn?”